Have you ever felt left out or as if you don’t belong?
Frankly I don’t think I have felt left out before. Not even in my teenage years. Or at least I can’t really remember. But recently I do.
Every week, as I wait for my kids to finish a specific one of their activities, I feel like I don’t belong. After the first time, I thought I’ve might just have had one of those bad days and that next week everything will be back to the normal chitchatting little group of parents.
I always enjoyed those 45min of chatting with them about all sort of things. I guess if you would have listened to us it would have felt as if you listen to one of those gossip magazines being read out loud. We touched every subject, talked about split ups of celebrities, weird behavior of Justin Bieber or who was dating whom and why… Lots of laughter and quite interesting point of views, I have to say. But suddenly it was different.
Maybe it had to do with the school break or maybe with the fact that the girl, who was doing admin at the place and usually joined in the conversation had left. She had a great Aura and made everyone feel welcomed. Maybe the reason was that over two or three weeks three of the other parents only dropped their kids off and weren’t able to stay anymore… I don’t know. But the dynamic changed. The weird thing is, that it’s the same group of parents taking their kids to this activity for a looong time. Or at least parts of it. And with the number of parents being present, somehow the group dynamic seems to have changed.
I tried to find an explanation, I tried to reason with myself and I really really tried to tell myself that I am just imagining things. Did I do anything wrong or did I say anything that might have triggered it? I don’t think so… I even tried to stay away and just grab a coffee while the kids where doing their activity. But it did not help. It was still weird, and although I still tried to convince myself that I was imagining it, my gut did not agree. And my gut-feeling never lies to me!
It feels like being in the middle of one of those teenage movies. You know, the ones where one girl used to fit in but suddenly gets those looks (you know which ones I am talking about, right?)? Where she knows that the others would be rolling their eyes if it would not be totally rude (I guess at least we are grown up enough that this did not happen…)?
You know, the “why” and the “when” does not matter. I just realize that those 45min in my week will not be the same they used to be. For whatever reason. And there is not much I can do. I just feel slightly bad about it.
At least not for myself.
See, I am approaching the mid 40s and therefor consider myself pretty centered. Of course I have my moments, but I can reason with myself and I find a way to get back in balance.
But feeling myself being put in this situation made me think about how I would have reacted, if I would have felt that way when I was vulnerable, when I was still so far away from having even only a fraction of an idea about who I was or am or will be (OH MY GOD, THIS IS A VERY LONG SENTENCE… I hope you can still get what I was trying to say?). I am wondering what it would have done to me, if I would have experienced regularly back in those days. How would I have reacted? Would I be different now?
I am glad, my kids did so far not experience anything like this. I know that so far they never felt like they don’t belong or left out. I am glad they are home-schooled. But one they they will. They are still young. They have the teenage years only coming up. I hope that their group of friends will stay as lovely as they are now. I hope that they will keep on supporting each other the way they do now.
I am sure one day they will encounter a moment of feeling left out. And I do hope that in that moment they will be centered enough to be able to brush it off.
I hope that both of them will know for sure that they belong. That they belong to a beautiful family where every one is always there for the others and every one supports the other. That they belong to a great group of friends, who always support each other.
Oh man… I just hope that they will be strong enough to brush all the negativity off that other people will try to throw at them. Learn from it (never do it on purpose to someone else), walk away and take it with a big smile.