Blast From The Past – Equal Love For Your Kids?

depth kidsA little while ago I wrote a post about equal love for our kids and I decided to reblog it today. Before you read the original post (which I leave standing the way it is), I want to add some things (taking the risk that I might repeat myself).

While watching parents over the last couple of weeks this thought came back to me again and again and I still actually ask myself the question: Is it possible to love your children equally? Is it possible to love them the same? And if we say we do, are we totally honest? If we hear a child say ‘you don’t love me the way you love my brother/sister’ what does really go on in our mind?

I honestly think that there is no such thing as equal love. I can’t love my two children exactly the same way. It is just not possible. Does that mean that I love one more than the other? Not at all! In this case there is no difference in quality or quantity of my feeling for them. It is just a question of what or how… Do we have to make the difference for our kids? I am not sure about it. I think they are well aware about the fact that we appreciate certain things in them. So I wonder if we have to explain that or if we can just get away by saying ‘yes, I do love both of you exactly the same’… In the end it is the truth as the depth of the feeling is the same. The layers might be different, but the intensity will, at least for me, always be equal.

There is one question bugging me for quite a while now: Can you love all your kids equally?

Although “made with the same ingredients” your little ones end up being totally different persons with most probably completely different personalities. And therefor it is not really surprising if I just put it out there and say: No, your love for your kids will not be the same for all of them!

Shocked? It is a tricky subject, isn’t it?

As I said before, your kids will end up having different personalities. In my case that means, that my daughter is a social butterfly, a diplomat and kind of a hostess. She is an artist, a dancer, a singer, a creative mind. Very leveled. Like her dad (not the dancer… I am talking about being leveled…) My son is more of a thinker, a deep thinker. The scientist type of athlete… But with more of an explosive temperament. Like me…

Although they are so similar in so many ways, they are also totally different. And that is how it is meant to be. Otherwise it would be kind of boring. But that also means that personalities can clash.

It is the same in relationships, friendships and business. So why should that not also include a parent and child relationship? In a family of four there are four different personalities. Only two of them actually got to decide it they want to and can deal with each other. The other two were kind of thrown into the mix. There is no way to decide if they will fit in or not, right?

So what are the chances? What are the chances that the personality of the mom might clash with the personality of the son. Or any other given combination… A risk you kind of take when having kids, as you never know who you will end up meeting.

It is a tricky question, is ‘t it? I mean, who wants to admit that they love one child more than the other or that they get along with one better than with the other. And still, the chances that this might be the case are huge.

In my case it is clear that my son and I have the tendency to clash, as we are just too similar in so many ways. But then we also sort of complete each other. We team up in moments nobody would expect it.

My daughter and I never really clash. It is not her nature and we don’t wife each other up the way it can happen with my boy.

And that could lead to the idea that I love her more.

But it is not the case.

I would never want to choose between the two of them. I know where the tricky points in the relationship with my baby boy are and I love them as much as I love the smooth ride with my little princess. They are different persons and therefor it is only normal that my love for them is different. But never ever is the intensity of the feeling different or on a different level!

And I guess that is what people mean by saying “equal love”. Although I love their different personalities in a different and unique way, the intensity of my feelings for them is equal.

And therefor I change my answer to yes and no!

No, your love for your kids will ever be the same. But yes, the intensity of the feeling will always be equal.

And now I really hope that you truly understand what I mean… πŸ™‚

Thanks, Mellow and Wildling, for speaking out what others think and therefor inspiring me for this post

16 thoughts on “Blast From The Past – Equal Love For Your Kids?

  1. That’s a wonderful post. As a mother of three it is even more challenging at times… most of all when there are fights. It can be a challenge not to be unfair and not to autumatically blaim one. Also I always hated when people said: You are the older – step back! That is a really good post.

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  2. I have never doubted that my parents loved me. Yet growing up, this was shown in so many different ways to their love for my sister. I never worried about it. However, if I could put a word to it today, perhaps ‘Preference’ would cover it. My sister has told me she always felt I was the favourite and spoiled because I was the youngest. This never entered my head either, as I have always been more independent than she and there have been instances over the years when I am ‘dismissed’ in her favour. Again, it didn’t bother me as this was the norm, her needs were considered more important than mine.
    It is very difficult to be a parent and have to share yourself equally (and yet differently) between your offspring.
    No two are alike, not even twins, and each have their own personality. I guess knowing which bit of you to apply at the right time is one of the major factors and ‘talents’ of parenting (no natural kids, but I brought up a young family and fostered teenagers).

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  3. I so agree with you. My older daughter was more challenging (although not as challenging as some!); my younger daughter was more compliant. I did love them both so much but when I was challenged to write what I liked about her as an older teen, I had to examine my thoughts. What did I like about her? She had so many good qualities, and as I began to list them, I found I really did like her.
    Can we love our children all the same? I don’t think so. But we can appreciate their good qualities and them as individuals.

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  4. I have always said I love my girls the same amount I sometimes find one easier to be around at points and then sometimes the other is easier to deal with. They have told me they feel the same about me. Sometimes I am easier to deal with than others.

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  5. What a beautiful way of defining love for your children. I am yet to experience it, but I guess the love for my first child (currently, my only child) will probably be more intense and always will! I don’t know for sure if whatever I am saying for now will hold true after (and that’s whenever) I have had a second child..

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  6. Absolutely. Love is not a piece of cake you can distribute evenly or unevenly. It’s just that one love and for all. So you may love one differently from the other but never unequally, because the word “equal” doesn’t exist in love.

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