Can You Gain?

I grew up in an intact family. With a dad that loved us and a mom that was always there for us. For me this was always the perfect picture of the ideal family. Unfortunately this picture is often not that perfect. Too many marriages end in a divorce and a lot of the kids are then used as a tool to hurt the other one.

It’s something I really can’t understand.

Don’t get me wrong. I totally understand that a relationship can get to the point where there is no more future. Where the two people who thought they were meant for each other suddenly realize that there is no “together” anymore. Where one of them suddenly doesn’t feel the way it used to be anymore.

But what about the kids? And why do they have to suffer?

I often wonder why kids get dragged into the war between those two people who used to be a team and maybe inseparable. The kids have nothing to do with it. For them it’s hard enough to face the fact that their parents will no longer be together. That they will no longer have mom and dad at home and that they eventually will have to accept another person on the side of their parent.

There are a couple of friends of ours who didn’t make it as a couple. And there are different attempts on dealing with it. Where there are ex couples that split in peace, still are friends and share custody in an actual fun way for the kids, we do see the other ones as well. Thankfully none of our friends use the kids to hurt the other one. Or at least we don’t get to see it. But in some cases you can feel the bitterness although there is another partner and you should think this empty space would be filled again. Apparently it’s not.

I don’t want to go into details and I don’t want to judge at all. Everyone handles it in their own way. And who knows how I would react… What I do want to put out there though is an impression I got.

When I look at one divorced couple and their kids I actually think that the kids gained a lot out of this divorce. Although it was really difficult during the time of the separation, I find that now that both parents have settled into new relationships the kids have actually gained two sets of parents. Instead of having two people who love them to bits they have four. I do understand that there must be a left over bitterness, triggered by so many facts. Facts that I might not know about or be able to understand. And yet I wonder how this bitterness can stick around when you find yourself in a new relationship with someone you obviously love. Someone who loves your kids as if they would be his or hers. Someone who loves you.

I guess it’s something you can only understand when facing the same issues. But for now I’d like to put it out there: Don’t you think that you can actually gain more than you lose? As much as it hurts in the moment, don’t you think that when you find a way to move on, you can look back and say: I’ve spent one part of my life with a partner who was right for me then. I have beautiful kids out of this relationship. Now I spend the next part of my life with a new partner, who loves my kids and who loves me. And my kids have two sets of parents they can rely on. Four people who love them.

Maybe this would be too easy. And still I wonder, if it could be possible…

9 thoughts on “Can You Gain?

  1. I totally think the same. We never know how such a situation feels before we faced it. I was at that point but we turned around the rudder in the last moment. I think it simply is important to still act as parents for the kids and don’t use them as weapon to hurt the other person. Working together as parents also helps to get along in a respectful way and to get used to the new situation peacefully. I know some divorced couples who are good friends and invited to any family gathering.

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  2. My wife’s parents split when she was 13. While it was tough for her then, relationships have been mended and now our kids have 3 sets of grandparents to spoil them. I think the gaining can be done across generations.

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  3. Absolutely love your blog and posts like this, such an interesting read. I think there is definitely a gain to divorce, my parents are basically separated, in every way except by an official divorce. My mum has basically moved out and in with a friend but every time her and my dad are in the same room it’s nothing but world war 3. People seem to think that by staying together you’re helping to keep a “stable” relationship for the child, but what people don’t seem to understand is that it’s unhealthy for a child to be in a poisonous and unhappy/fake environment. I personally know I would much rather have had my parents divorce from a younger age rather than to have to be around all the fighting. xx

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  4. Pingback: Your Ex | A Momma's View

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