Life’s full of questions and while we go through the different stages of our lives we find ourselves in different places and in different roles. For some of us it’s enough to just go through them without questioning the why and the where. For others – and that includes me – it’s about growing and being curious. Curious about finding out where it all will take us.
There was one sentence that stuck to me after reading a post lately, or better one question: “What is the question that drives you and why do we do the things we do?”
I guess the second question can be answered the moment you find out what that one question is that drives you. So I started wondering what it would be for me. And I came up with an answer that probably most of us would give, the question that drives me: Who am I?
Who am I really? Who do I want to be, who do I want to become? Who is the real me? Not the me that people want me to be. Not the me that they expect me to be and not the me that I want them to see.
Over the last couple of years I found out a lot about the person I really want to be. I grew further into that person I hope to find in the mirror one day. It has nothing to do with the way I look like but more the way I feel like. The person that I am on the inside. This journey is about becoming the confident and independent woman I want to be, in balance and happy with what I am, what I do and what surrounds me.
I want to be a person that no longer is influenced by toxic people, that no longer says sorry for things that were not done wrong. I want to be strong, the solid rock for my kids, no shaken, not weak. I wan to be amazing.
But how can I be amazing, if I can’t find my true passion? If I’m unsure what truly makes me happy? This journey is all about self discovery and finding what makes you and only you happy. It’s about finding this passion. I know I’m on the right path as I know what my passion is. Now it’s all about making it happen and moving on, building on this knowledge.
When I was younger I often built on others to get me to where I wanted to be. I know today, that this will not get me any further. I will never get to where I want to be because of someone else. I will get there because of who I truly am. For me, this is the most important lesson I’ve learned. Of course it’s all about inspiration and motivation and both of them you can find in others. But it’s about running your race and not trying to be carried by someone. It’s about fighting your battles and not rely on someone to do it for you.
It’s about standing up for what you believe in and sticking to it.
Do I want others to see the real me? Not everyone. I’m comfortable with showing some people another me. A me that is more shallow, easier to understand. A me that I want them to see. The real me is for me. The real me is for the people who are important in my life. Having said that I also learned that some people that are important to me simply don’t want to see the real me as it’s not the person they want me to be in order to fit their picture. I would lie if I would say that it didn’t bother me. After all it’s a person that is close to me and I wish this person would want to see the real me. I learned to deal with it though as there is nothing I can do about it. It’s just the way this person wants to see me and I can’t change it, it would be a waste of my energy. Accepting this was a huge step for me and it has brought forward. I accept that I will never win this and some battles are better not fought.
So why do I do the things I do? To be honest, I sometimes ask myself that question too. Sometimes I really don’t know why I do certain things. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one… I guess I do the things I do simply because they will get me closer to the point where I will truly find myself. They have already made my life so much better and I think I’ve found my recipe to turn into the person I want to be.
It would be wrong to say that it was all discovered by myself. I mean, who can truly claim that they found that little light all by themselves? It needs so much more. There need to be ups and downs, people that disappoint you and people that lift you up. There need to be conversations with friends and family and also with total strangers. It’s like one big puzzle. And slowly piece by piece it will shape in one big picture. There were many conversations, many encounters with people that I think have brought me further. Many of them were people I didn’t know and in most cases have not seen again. Only one encounter still lights up in my brain. And I mean “lights up” in that sense. It’s like a light being switched on. Every time I think of it again.
I was on my way back from working in Germany and next to me on the plane was a guy. I was struggling at that point of my life. Struggling with a break up and with work. I questioned a lot of things at that stage. I would never be able to describe him anymore and interesting enough I’d forgotten his name the moment we stepped off the plane. What I do remember though was that he seemed fascinating the moment I sat down. He had a glow to him… I don’t know how to describe it other than that. Now don’t get me wrong. It was not that kind of interesting or fascinating… Very shortly into the flight he looked at me and asked me what I was struggling with. Normally if someone would have asked me a question like this I would have probably told that person to mind their own business. But not him, not that day. I told him. Told him everything. And in the end I was crying. And the crying didn’t feel bad. It was like something was washed off of me and I could finally breathe again. He told me many things. Things that made me feel so much better and funny enough things that came true in the time frame he had told me they would happen.
This was probably the strangest thing that has ever happened to me. I would have loved to find out who he was and would have loved to thank him. I remember that he mentioned that he was traveling on to somewhere from Switzerland to have a speech but as I said, the moment I stepped off the plane I couldn’t remember his name nor where he was going to. And I couldn’t find him in the crowd anymore either.
I’ve never really talked about this with anyone as I felt it would seem strange to others. For me though he was like a door opener. A door opener for me for believing in myself and for believing in life and what it would offer to me. He was the biggest inspiration in my life together with my friend how taught me to keep my head up and just float in my river of life if it got wild. Now looking back those two people were probably the most influence from the outside to make me question who I was and who I wanted to be. They made me realize that I had to find myself and my happiness first in order to get to where I wanted to be and that, as selfish as it might sound to others, I had to come first.
I learned that being selfish and looking out for yourself is not always the same. You need to look out for yourself first in order to be there for others. If you are not feeling well, if you are not strong enough how would you be possible to help others out? To lift them up?
I’m on my way. I love the journey I’m on and the people that travel with me. At this stage this is who I am. I am a person that is being shaped into who I want to be, into a better person, step by step, day by day, encounter by encounter.
Inspired by the Daily Post Inspiration Post – The Socratic Method