Funny how a prompt pops up and speaks to you on a specific day… This one just hit me. it hits me because it has a lot to do with the post I’ve published earlier today about fake friends and toxic people. It also hits me because it has a lot to do with vulnerability and with writing and posting that scariest post.
Vulnerability isn’t good or bad: It’s not what we call a dark emotion, nor is it always a light, positive experience. Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings. To feel is to be vulnerable. To believe vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness. To foreclose on our emotional life out of a fear that the costs will be too high is to walk away from the very thing that gives purpose and meaning to living.
Brené Brown, Daring Greatly
I guess I agree with Brené’s definition of vulnerability. It’s not a weakness it’s the very ingredient for feelings. And yet it can make us hurt and suffer. Hurt and suffer because someone takes advantage over our vulnerability, our opening up, our sharing of feelings and our need for certain feelings.
Is it done on purpose? That’s a question I struggle with. I want to say no because I still tend to try to defend that person. If I look at it from a distance though I have to say that of course it’s done on purpose. In order to be able to really express what I want to put out there I decided to write part of this post in form of a letter to this person.
If I would only meet you today I would most probably not like you. I guess I would maybe even try to avoid getting to close to you. Don’t get me wrong. I think you gave me a lot over those years and you were always there for me. But you took a lot. And you manipulated me. Actually you took too much from me. You have a tendency to twist and turn things around so they fit your idea of how things have to be. I only learned that the hard way and it took me years to see it. Knowing it today is making me say that I would not want you to be close to me. I wouldn’t want you to be close to my family or my friends either.
You are part of my life and it’s something I can’t change. You taught me a lot. You no longer get to me the way you used to. If I would only meet you today, I would no longer try to get along with you as I know that it’s a waste of time and energy. I would see through you if I would meet you today. But then I’m a grown up, a mature person. A person that has learned her lesson. And I can decide if I want to be friends with you or not.
I once thought we were friends. Actually best friends. That’s not the case. Friends don’t treat each other in such a way. If I would meet you today I would know that you can expect more of such a relationship.
I can truly say that today I really don’t like you. Will I ever stop loving you? Most probably not. But that doesn’t mean that I have to like you.
If I only met you today things would be very different.
When we open ourselves up to emotion, we accept that we cannot control what happens next…
Indeed. We lose control. We lose control over what will happen next to us and what the people we open up to will do to us. Most of the time we are lucky and they will cherish it, protect us from getting hurt. Sometimes that’s not the case. And sometimes it’s the people closest to us that take advantage of our vulnerability. It’s the easiest way to manipulate us into being who they want us to be.
I might repeat myself in this post over and over again. I guess this is my scariest post to share. There are a lot of emotions in this and a lot of my history. There are things that seem to be solved and things that are still slightly open… Wounds that are healed and others that get ripped open again and again.
I know that the people I’m surrounded with now, my family, my friends are not taking advantage of my vulnerability. I know that I got stronger and know how to deal with people who do. And I know that my wounds are healing. And still, whenever this person pops up, I hurt again. And it takes a lot to protect the vulnerable side of me. Thankfully I’m no longer facing it on my own.