Yesterday was one of those days. You know one of the days where you just are not yourself. I wasn’t my usual self. Grumpy with a short fuse. Usually I don’t know why. Yesterday I knew. And my kids had the right to wonder why I was acting so crazy…
I didn’t sleep well. In fact I had a terrible night. The evening before I got a phone call of the ex wife of a friend of mine from Switzerland. When I heard who was speaking I instantly knew that something was not right. She would have not called me otherwise.
He passed away. There’s another star in the night sky now.
Over the years we’ve been here in Australia we were sporadically in touch. A Facebook message here, an email there and one or two phone calls only. But in a way it didn’t matter. Our life was good. His life was good, he was happy, finally found the love of his life and finally became a dad. So it seemed to be enough to every now and then check in to see if life was still good. And usually it was.
Up until a little while ago when he suddenly told me that he was sick but had recovered really well and that everything was going to be fine. Shortly after he again told me that he managed to beat cancer’s butt and that now everything would be fine. And of course I was happy to hear.
There are friendships which you know will last although you might not be in regular contact. You know the ones where you don’t talk for months and then one of you calls and it’s as if you would have talked yesterday. You just pick up. The ones nobody feels guilty about not being in touch on a regular base, just every now and then. This one was one of them and in a way lead to the thinking that now, that everything is fine again, we could all just go on the way we did over all those years and just call in when we had a moment or felt like it. Nobody felt any pressure to write or call. No pressure to say things. There was time.
There no longer is.
Interestingly my husband and I both had several conversations over the last say 4 to 6 weeks about calling our friend finally again and see how everything goes. You know, when you say: “Oh, we really should call him tonight!”
And then tonight comes and goes and tomorrow comes and goes and suddenly the entire week is over.
Today I did so many things wrong. On so many levels. I was grumpy with my kids although I realized how fast things can change. Instead of hugging and kissing them all day long, telling them how great they are, how much I love them and how proud they make me, I told them off. Over and over again.
Yes, they did challenge me.
Yes, I was exhausted from a almost sleepless night.
But I handled sleepless nights differently before.
All the things that went through my mind last night about telling people how you feel about them before it’s too late sort of disappeared today. All the thoughts about my friend and his family kind of seemed for nothing because I couldn’t control my feelings today. All the thoughts about his partner and his kids who no longer can hug and kiss him and will no longer hear the words “I love you” from him seemed no longer in play for me today. My actions were so wrong.
We take so many things for granted on a daily base. Our health. The health of our family, our friends. It just seems so normal and we don’t expect it to change. And yet it can change in an instant.
I feel bad for being so grumpy today. I feel bad for being so angry.
It’s not their fault that I didn’t talk to my friend for too long. It’s not their fault that he got sick again and passed away in no time. It’s not their fault that this kept me up all night. Their doing their activities now and I know their happy and the giggle. Right now I crave a hug from both of them. I crave a hug from my husband. I crave having them all here with me, knowing they are well.
Life changes. And it can change so rapidly so fast. Don’t take your life for granted. Don’t take for granted what you have in your life. Cherish it. And let people you care about know that you do.