Another Star In The Night Sky

Yesterday was one of those days. You know one of the days where you just are not yourself. I wasn’t my usual self. Grumpy with a short fuse. Usually I don’t know why. Yesterday I knew. And my kids had the right to wonder why I was acting so crazy…

I didn’t sleep well. In fact I had a terrible night. The evening before I got a phone call of the ex wife of a friend of mine from Switzerland. When I heard who was speaking I instantly knew that something was not right. She would have not called me otherwise.

He passed away. There’s another star in the night sky now.

Over the years we’ve been here in Australia we were sporadically in touch. A Facebook message here, an email there and one or two phone calls only. But in a way it didn’t matter. Our life was good. His life was good, he was happy, finally found the love of his life and finally became a dad. So it seemed to be enough to every now and then check in to see if life was still good. And usually it was.

Up until a little while ago when he suddenly told me that he was sick but had recovered really well and that everything was going to be fine. Shortly after he again told me that he managed to beat cancer’s butt and that now everything would be fine. And of course I was happy to hear.

There are friendships which you know will last although you might not be in regular contact. You know the ones where you don’t talk for months and then one of you calls and it’s as if you would have talked yesterday. You just pick up. The ones nobody feels guilty about not being in touch on a regular base, just every now and then. This one was one of them and in a way lead to the thinking that now, that everything is fine again, we could all just go on the way we did over all those years and just call in when we had a moment or felt like it. Nobody felt any pressure to writeย  or call. No pressure to say things. There was time.

There no longer is.

Interestingly my husband and I both had several conversations over the last say 4 to 6 weeks about calling our friend finally again and see how everything goes. You know, when you say: “Oh, we really should call him tonight!”

And then tonight comes and goes and tomorrow comes and goes and suddenly the entire week is over.

Today I did so many things wrong. On so many levels. I was grumpy with my kids although I realized how fast things can change. Instead of hugging and kissing them all day long, telling them how great they are, how much I love them and how proud they make me, I told them off. Over and over again.

Yes, they did challenge me.

Yes, I was exhausted from a almost sleepless night.

But I handled sleepless nights differently before.

All the things that went through my mind last night about telling people how you feel about them before it’s too late sort of disappeared today. All the thoughts about my friend and his family kind of seemed for nothing because I couldn’t control my feelings today. All the thoughts about his partner and his kids who no longer can hug and kiss him and will no longer hear the words “I love you” from him seemed no longer in play for me today. My actions were so wrong.

We take so many things for granted on a daily base. Our health. The health of our family, our friends. It just seems so normal and we don’t expect it to change. And yet it can change in an instant.

I feel bad for being so grumpy today. I feel bad for being so angry.

It’s not their fault that I didn’t talk to my friend for too long. It’s not their fault that he got sick again and passed away in no time. It’s not their fault that this kept me up all night. Their doing their activities now and I know their happy and the giggle. Right now I crave a hug from both of them. I crave a hug from my husband. I crave having them all here with me, knowing they are well.

Life changes. And it can change so rapidly so fast. Don’t take your life for granted. Don’t take for granted what you have in your life. Cherish it. And let people you care about know that you do.

rainbow

43 thoughts on “Another Star In The Night Sky

  1. I’m sorry to hear about your loss. We often don’t realise how much we value something till it’s snatched away from us. I hope your friend shines even throughout the darkest of nights. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Sorry for your lose…tell those loved ones every day how much they mean to you. Never go to bed angry etc. But in reality we are human and we forget while we are living life that life and yes death happens. Take care and get those hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    • No, it doesn’t. It’s a strange feeling, you know. We all were so close when we were back in Switzerland and with the move of course there was distance. And still we stayed close. But the exchange was not what it used to be. I don’t blame myself or him or anybody else for it. It just happens that way and I guess if he would have tried hard to be in touch more frequently I would feel really bad. But we all lived our lives and then had a chat to catch up on each other.
      It’s such a reminder that things are not set in stone. And that’s basically what goes through my mind at the moment. We take it all for granted and it’s not.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I guess that’s just the development of relationships… They either adapt to your situation, or they fizzle away. And that is in our hands…

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Iam truly sorry to hear about your loss. To regret your reaction over the Day towards your Kids is on thing but beaten yourself up isnt something you should do. It just happend you need to griev to learn to Deal with it. There is a time and place when you can sit down let it sink and speak to your family. Give yourself this time. Sending Ninjapower and love to you x

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Your honesty is admired. Not everyone can admit when they’ve done something that is the complete opposite of what they’re promoting. But, we all do it. We all have our days and forget that it could be our last, or a loved one’s last. It’s hard to always be happy and appreciative. I’m not even sure if that’s possible, but we can try. You do try and that’s what matters. We can all be better and should be better at keeping in touch with our loved ones, and sadly sometimes it takes situations like these to remind us of that. The sudden loss of my step-father was my reminder. It really stinks….I am so sorry for your loss.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. “He passed away. Thereโ€™s another star in the night sky now.” This reference to the story behind that line was awesome. I’ve never before heard it from anyone other than my mom, who heard it from her dad. So, it especially stuck out to me.
    I am sorry for your loss and the grieving process that you must go through as a result. I appreciate you sharing it with us, a gentle reminder to us all to go tell those special people in our lives what they mean to us.
    But, what really touched me, was the fact that you didn’t leave out the next grumpy day, as I think so many others would have. Because, that part doesn’t get left out of our lives and it was really nice to hear that I’m not alone when I have days like that. Days that I know I should be responding differently than I am.
    So, thanks for being human, and letting us know! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for this comment. Ah, the star in the sky… When I became a mom and I had to explain the passing of a person to my little son I struggled with the idea of heaven as I can still really grasp it and I’m also not really sure if I want to… For me it somehow continues after death. I think looking at a start, picking one of them up there and picture it to be that person or that pet you just lost is healing. Because it’s always there. Wherever you are. For a child I think it’s especially important. They’re gone and still they’re always around in a different shape.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I am so sorry for your loss. There is not a person alive who has not had a bad day and acted not at all like themselves….don’t beat yourself up about it. Love is about being in it for the long haul and everyone has their bad moments. You are human. Hugs!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a dear friend in late November. I also thought about all the days that stretched into weeks without us seeing each other. As with you, when we did converse, it was as though no time had passed. I hope today is a better day and tonight you sleep well. xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. So sorry to hear that. I have been grumpy too. Sleepless, restlessness, Brat H has caught an infection, weather here sucks..all that been going on in my head. Hope tomorrow is a better day for us and all!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Pingback: Don’t Wait | A Momma's View

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