Sport Moms

I just had a realization… I’m all of them! And if I’m not one of the listed ones I at least know someone who is.

I’m a dance mom, a soccer mom, a martial arts mom and I kind of cover a couple of the moms on the list which was recently posted on Scary Mommy. Here’s the list and then please let me explain…

  1. Long lens mom
  2. Howler mom
  3. Confused mom
  4. Bag O’everything mom
  5. Dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t mom
  6. Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde mom
  7. Never there mom
  8. Pinterest mom
  9. Control freak mom
  10. Beauty pageant mom

Now let me borrow the definition of the listed moms here from the post on Scary Mommy and add my own thoughts to it. I hope it’s okay? I linked back to the original post, so it should be okay, right? I don’t want to create an issue… Anyway here we go:

1. Long Lens Mom

She’s the one with a camera. Not just any camera, though. This one has a zoom lens that’s strong enough to snap a close-up photograph of the right fielder’s index finger in his nose…at a baseball game three counties away. While we’re sitting on our behinds, fanning gnats and critiquing the coaches, she spends her time taking professional quality photos, not just of her own kid, but of all the players. She captures those incredible, nail-biting plays and the look on your kid’s face right as he scores. And then this jewel of a woman posts all 533,897 photos on Facebook for parents to download a few hours later. If there’s a mom like this on your team, be extra nice to her. Bring her chocolate and frozen drinks. She’s definitely a keeper.

Yep, I’m kind of that mom at soccer. I have my camera with me most of the time. And I happily snap along, taking pictures of every girl in my daughters team and then happily handing them out to the parents at the end of the season. But I would never post it on Facebook… And I haven’t received any chocolate or frozen drinks just yet. To be honest: I’d rather not get the frozen drinks while soccer season is on down here. It’s cold enough…

2. Howler Mom

Or you might know her as “Wish She Had a Mute Button” Mom. Somewhere deep in the mechanics of this woman’s larynx is a built-in microphone with fully charged batteries. To say that’s she’s a tad vocal is the understatement of the season. People from miles away can hear her yelling at her son, your son, the referees, the coaches, the concession stand workers, the grounds crew and occasionally God. It’s no wonder her husband is usually drunk. Her vocal contributions aren’t limited to words. She chants, screams, hollers and shouts—often unintelligibly—depending on the score of the game. Once in a while you catch yourself wondering if her husband wears earplugs during sex. Oh, she also feels the need to coach every kid on the team, barking instructions loud enough to drown out the coach and confuse the poor players.

Oh I’m not that mom… well… maybe I am. I do cheer for the team and each and every player. And I do the same at Taekwondo with the kids of the Club mine train at (if they are not fighting one of mine…). But I don’t think I’m that in your face. I keep it fair. And I clap for the others too. And I would never ever try to coach. It’s not my place. I’m the mom, not the coach. Dad’s the coach (at least at soccer…)… Nope, you can not hear me everywhere. But I for sure know someone you can…

3. Confused Mom

She shows up on the wrong day for practice or forgets it altogether. She takes her kid to the wrong field, dresses her in the wrong uniform, forgets drinks and snacks, and is usually on her phone during announcements. During games, someone has to nudge her away from her deep conversation about TJ Maxx’s shoe department, to point out that her kid has the ball. At first you feel sorry for her because she has so much on her plate and seems so frazzled. But after 2 years of that crap, and realizing that she’s no busier than the rest of us, you just accept her as she is and bring extra drinks and snacks for her kids.

That really made me laugh. Oh yes, I know moms like this. Pretty much at every activity my children do. And do you know what? They are actually the most beautiful people I’ve ever met. Not just for the extra drinks and snacks and lollies she brings for all of the kids…

4. Bag O’ Everything Mom

Your kid forget his helmet? She’s got one. Need a soldering iron? Yep, she’s got that too. An extra glass eye? Sure! In fact, the bag this woman carries around is large enough to double as a carport. She could perform outpatient surgery with the extensive contents of her first aid kit. If she’d been with Jesus in Matthew 14, he wouldn’t have had to multiply the loaves and fishes to feed 5,000 because she’d already be carrying enough for everyone. God bless this mom, although we can’t help but be a tiny bit freaked out by how prepared she always is.

To be honest, I really try to be prepared and I don’t care if I carry too many things with me. I don’t want my kids to stand there without their gear. And I don’t want them to head out to borrow stuff from others. Share a mouth guard? No way! A groin guard? Yikes! Oh no! I rather pack double than forgetting stuff…

5. “Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t.” Mom

Yeah, she’s got a problem with it, no matter what it is. If the kids are wearing gray uniforms, she’ll complain that they should be wearing white. If the tournament is nearby, she’ll comment that the team needs to travel to face better competition. She’s never satisfied with any idea the coaches and parents have, but refuses to offer alternatives. Ironically, she loves to talk sports and about her kid’s team, specifically. She has conspiracy theories galore. If this team mom is making your life miserable, don’t worry. She’ll get mad and move her kid to a new team soon.

Beginning of this season felt kind of like this although none of the parents of our soccer team complained really. I guess it must have been someone from another team… I have to admit though, that I get angry and complain when I feel something is not done right or is not fair. They are kids! It’s not about a million dollar deal or a career. It’s about having fun and nothing else. So don’t push it or I will get angry…

6. Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde Mom

We love this mom like 90 percent of the time. She’s charming, quiet, gentle and down-to-earth. And she’ll do anything in the world to help you out. But no matter how long you’ve known her, you still feel like you don’t quite know her. Every so often, during a game, this mom will shed her sweetness and turn into a stark-raving, overly-competitive psychopath, screaming death threats at the poor 9-year-olds on the opposing team. Seven seconds later, Mrs. Hyde is back to Dr. Jekyll again, continuing her bleacher conversation about the Baptist church’s prayer shawl ministry, while the rest of the parents are still stunned by her “episode.”

Probably the only mom I haven’t encountered yet… And I’m sure glad me and the kids haven’t met her to this date…

7. Never There Mom

You’re not sure if you’d even recognize her because she’s hardly ever around. And when she does show up, it’s never for an entire game. She doesn’t know any of the other parents and doesn’t care to. A high-ranking company VP, who is working on her pilot’s license and training for an Iron Girl competition, this life is all about her. Her poor kid’s sporting events fall on the priority list somewhere between pap smears and estate planning.

I kind of felt like one of those moms this year during my girls soccer games. I think I might have been to half of them. But I was missing out on a couple. Just because we have two kids who had two competitions at the same time on a couple of weekends. What can you do… I know I’ve been to my son’s competitions and that kind of makes up for the fact that I was the mom missing in action on a couple of my girls soccer games…
I also think that we might be too harsh on moms who miss out on their kids activities. We don’t really know what goes on in their lives. They might be sick, one of their other kids might be unwell or they might just be exhausted. Sometimes it might be as simple as having a hangover… Everyone has a story, you know…

8. Pinterest Mom

I love this mom because I’m such a failure as a baker and crafter. She designs special team t-shirts for the parents and younger siblings. She bakes cakes for the players’ birthdays and brings them to the games along with special birthday plates and napkins. On any given game day, she was probably up until 2 a.m. the night before, making special treats for each team member. You sort of want to dislike her because she makes you feel like a slacker. But then she’s so darn genuinely nice! How could anyone not like her?

Nope, haven’t met that one yet… I do have to say that we did bake some brownies on a couple of occasions but only because my daughter wanted to do a bake sale…

9. Control Freak Mom

No one’s really sure who made her queen, but make no mistake, this woman is in charge! From jersey logos to Gatorade flavors, it’s her way or the highway. Don’t dare to disagree with her or you. Will. Regret. It. It’s also a very bad idea to commiserate with another mom about what a bully this woman is. She has a well-paid team of moles. Get on her good side and stay there. And honestly, her ideas usually turn out to be the best anyway, as much as we hate to admit it.

Oh I know this type and thankfully only from standing on the other side of the pitch! Don’t want to mess with her and sure glad none of the parents all over the kids’ activities are like this!!!

10. Beauty Pageant Mom

She’s younger than you, prettier than you, skinnier than you, has bigger boobs than you, and cuter clothes than you. You want to hate her, but on top of her beauty, she’s nice and down-to-earth and funny and self-deprecating…and a great mom. You’d give your left arm to find just one thing wrong with her. But you can’t. Because nothing is.

Do I really have to go there? I mean, seriously? Who would possibly be better looking than yourself? Younger? Maybe… So what? Never forget: We are like a good wine. We get better by age 😉

Thank you so much, Scary Mommy and author Angela Weight, for the inspiration.

33 thoughts on “Sport Moms

  1. If my kids had gotten into any sports — which none of them showed any interest in wanting to do, I asked them, they said nope, don’t wanna — I would have been either the “Confused Mom” or the “Never There Mom” not because I was jet setting or anything. I was too busy working two to three jobs to put food on the table to worry about extracurricular events such as sports or ballet. Though I probably would have baked cookies for the bake sales. I’m pretty good at that stuff.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. So hilarious, Sandra! I have met most of these moms in some sport or another. When my daughter decided to play volleyball, I became the “Quiet Mom” since I knew little about the game. Now that she is grown I miss all those days!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I recognized those moms, and dads too. Our daughters played soccer for several years and during that time I was grateful that there were two of us (parents) and two of them. Had no idea before then how handy that ratio would be.

    Our league utilized only volunteer adults as coaches and referees. Until we moved I actually had no idea that some leagues paid these people. Anyway, after a few seasons of not knowing much about how the game was played, I volunteered to be a ref and ended up having to be at the field sometimes even when my kids were not. The best experience I had with this league was the year they handed out T-shirts for the coaches to wear to the games. The backs read “I Coach. They Play. You Cheer.” Made me wish the zebra striped refs’ shirts could say “I’m Not Perfect” and “It’s Only A Game.”

    Liked by 1 person

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