Mixed Feelings

I really don’t know where this post will go. I don’t know to which point my thoughts are sorted. Or not sorted. I’m somewhere between feeling incredibly sad and kind of calm, kind of at peace. I’m not sure if it has sunk in just yet. Not sure if I was able to give what I wanted to give. Not sure if I was able to let him know what he needed to know. And yet I think I could give him peace. Not sure if he found closure or if it was just pure coincidence.

It’s interesting. Life and death. The way we deal with it, the expectations we have. The way we think we would feel like when we are confronted for the first time with the loss of someone who’s really close to us. The way we deal with the passing, the moments of support of the person who is leaving us. The moments after…

A mix of feelings. Fear, sadness, hope, dreams, memories and loss. And we wonder. We wonder what actually will be there when we close our eyes for good. What will be when the last breath is taken, when the clocks stop?

Where do we go? Does it matter where we go at all?

Of course it’s all sort of different depending on the age of the person who’s about to leave us. Or who left us. It’s all a bit dependent on our believes as well. But in the end we still wonder, right? There are so many questions.

People say that it’s good to find closure. Closure is a big word, don’t you think? Yes, you find closure when you can be with the person you love. The person who is about to leave this world. Yes, you find closure in a way if you can tell this person everything you always wanted to say. And yes, you find closure if this person can tell you things you want to hear as well. But there is still questions that remains open: Did the person found closure? Where do we go? Will we be together again at one point and how does it feel…

How does it feel?

He left peacefully… is it just something we say because it’s what we want to hear or believe? Or is it really the case? How can we be sure that someone actually left peacefully? When we look at the body that is about to turn into only a shell, a body that is only functional because the impulses are still given, how can we be sure that the soul is at peace?

Maybe we can feel it.

Maybe it’s the feeling we get when we sit there and hold the hand that is about to get cold. Maybe it’s the internal dialog we might have.

And then you wonder… that internal dialog… is it just in your mind or does it really happen. Is the feeling you think you might receive just something you come up with? The feeling you would like to have at this point? The one thing that actually calms you down because you can’t understand or deal with the loss you suffer?

So many things going on in your mind.

Memories over and over again. Not only of moments but of scents, touches, voices. Will you still be able to remember them once the person is gone? Will you remember how holding hands with this person will feel like when the person is gone? Will you remember the sound of the voice, the scent, the smile?

So many thoughts.

And then you realize that this person will never be gone for good. Parts will live on. In you, in your children in your memories. In the stories told by you, by your family. By friends. Bit by bit you will pass on the memories. To others. Stories that will be told. And some of them will put a smile on your face.

You realize that the touch of the hand will not be forgotten. Nothing really will.

Because it’s what it’s all about.

We will live on. Our stories will be told. Our smiles will be remembered. The touch of our hand will be missed but the feeling will never be forgotten. Because it’s something that is important to you.

I wondered… I wondered where he will go. I stopped wondering. Not because I know. But because I want him to go there. I want him to be the wind. The rain. The sun, the snow, the ocean, the sand, the tree. I want him to be the scent of spring, summer, fall and winter. I want him to be the yellow of a sunflower, the red of a rose, the blue of the sky. I want him to be the sparkling star, the moon. I want him to be there. And I know he will. Without me hanging on to his soul. I want it out there, up there. I want him to spread his wings and fly. Like an eagle. No pulling back.

In the end it’s never about us. It’s not about them. It’s about letting go and finding peace. It’s about love and memories. Life and death. Hanging on and letting go. Finding peace in a way that works for you.

We are all different. The way we deal with our losses are never the same. And that’s okay.


53 thoughts on “Mixed Feelings

  1. Beautiful post. I was glad I was with my Dad when he died, as was my Mum, brother and my husband. It’s twenty years ago this May, but he is still with me. He will forever be with me, in a thought, a memory, a smell, a photograph. As long as we remember our Loved Ones, they can never be forgotten.

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  3. There is so much to think about and so many questions left unanswered. Closure is interesting. I don’t know if we ever get that. I think maybe what we can find is a sort of peace. May dad died last May and I didn’t get to be there. I was fresh out of the hospital and could not travel the 1000 mile distance. It left me with feelings I would not have if I had been able to be there. I didn’t get to say my goodbye. I didn’t get to tell him that I loved him even though I hate a lot of the things he had done in the past, I still loved him. I missed out on that. It doesn’t make it better or worse. You are right. We all end up with mixed feelings. And a lot of questions.

    Take care of you. Be good to you. I am thinking of you and sending you positive energy.

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    • Corina, one thing I truly believe in is, that they know we love them. If we get the chance to tell them or not. I totally understand what you are saying and I am glad we made the trip. Maybe you can still talk to him in a quiet moment and tell him everything you want to. Imagine a place you both liked or enjoyed and “talk to him there”. Xxx

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  4. I am so very very sorry for your loss, may you find moments however fleeting of peace and happiness as you take your journey down your private path

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Tears fill my eyes as I read this, and I offer no answers, but my hope is with your hope. “Energy can neither be created nor destroyed; rather, it transforms from one source to another. ” He is the sky, the sand, the sea. He’s a part of you, and death can not take that away.

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  6. My heartfelt sympathy again, Sandra. This was a very beautiful post. Deep thoughts, lots of thoughts. Yes, do we ever find closure? I don’t think so and I think it is good that way. Everybody who leaves, leaves something behind for us to go with, to develop from. There is this pondering of did we say it all, did we give it all, why did we do this or that…? I believe that it is ok the way it is. Whatever question stays in the room is meant to stay. But on the other hand, I believe that what happens, happens in order. At some point, we need to stop questioning ourselves. When my father died almost 4 years ago unexpectedly, we had no time to say goodbye nor to be with him. I was pondering about that for long. The shock was deep too. But after a while, I knew it was ok. It was his way to leave. And although he was not an easy going person I was in peace with him before he died because I accepted him the way he was. Sorry if I digressed but it just flew out.
    I hug you strongly, Sandra, and I wish you and your family all the strength you need now! πŸ’–

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  7. Feeling for you. I hope, as you and your family grieve for your dad, you can find those funny wee memories that make you smile and maybe even laugh a little even though this is a sad time. As you say, let the memories live on through the stories and hold him dear. Best wishes, kind thoughts, a big hug and sincere condolences to you all.

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  8. Aww, so sorry to read about your dad’s passing. Your post was beautiful and asks and answers the right questions. Our mortal bodies are designed to fail eventually, but our souls are everlasting and live on in our memories. My sympathies to you and yours.

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  9. How this tugs at my heart. Having lost my dad barely two years now, I always feel him. He is forever present in my mind and you rightly said, I stopped wondering where he would go or be, I just wanted him to be everything. This is beautiful and I am glad you have your family to support each other.

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