13 thoughts on “Sorry Guys…

  1. I’d have to partially disagree with you there.

    I don’t know if you’re aware of one of our customs which takes place in England on November the fifth, almost always in the evening and in the dark?

    On November the fifth we celebrate Guy Fawkes night.

    Guy Fawkes, a.k.a Guido Fawkes; Guido being the name he adopted while fighting for the Roman Catholic Spaniards in the Eighty Years War against the new Dutch Protestant Republic in the 16th Century, a nom de plume I believe he took because when his Spanish compardres called his name out, most people within hearing distance thought he was a nancy gay boy, “Hola, ยฟdรณnde estรก ese hombre? El inglรฉs, Gay?”

    The dagos couldn’t pronounce “Guy,” properly you see.

    Guido, sorry, Gay, no hang on, I mean Guy: Guy Fawkes was a member of a group of provincial recusant Roman Catholics who planned the failed Gunpowder Plot of 1605. They attempted to blow up the English House of Parliament, but failed. Some say it was all Guido the Gay boy’s fault, the failure I mean.

    The conspirators had loaded up the cellar below the Parliament House with enough gun powder to blow it and half of Western Europe to pieces and additionally tasked our “good and loyal (or disloyal depending on which side of the fuse you sat), trusty friend Guy” to remain behind in the cellar with a slow match and a watch, (the match and watch by the way given to him by fellow conspirator Thomas Percy, and with a name like Percy…..well, what conclusions would you draw), in order to set the fuse alight at the right moment.

    Very unfortunately, Percy, another suspect, made a mistake and instead of giving Guy a slow match and a watch, gave instead a slow watch and a fast match.

    As a consequence of this and an anonymous letter received by Lord Monteagle warning him to “retyre youre self into yowre contee whence yow maye expect the event in safti for … they shall receyve a terrible blowe this parleament,” the plot was thwarted.

    King James being informed of the possibility that his Government was going to be blown to smithereens ordered Sir Thomas Knyvet to conduct a search of the cellars underneath the Parliament with the King’s Guards, which he did in the early hours of 5th November, 1605.

    Lo and behold Guy was spotted dashing through the cellars clutching his hand and screaming, “slow matches, I’ll give that Percy slow fucking matches, look at the state of my bloody fingers! I only had them manicured last Wednesday, they’re burnt to a fucking frazzle.” To which Sir Thomas Knyvet replied, “that’s the least of your problems mate, there’ll be a fair bit more of you frazzled soon,” as the King’s Guards grabbed Guy and, conducting a search, found millions of barrels of gunpowder hidden under coats and faggots of wood. (So maybe in hindsight the Spaniards hadn’t been that far off the mark after all !).

    Guy was later summarily tortured, sang like a bird and being found guilty was thence sentenced to death; hanged, drawn and quartered.

    Ever since then it has been the English custom on the night of 5th November to build huge bonfires and then set them alight and in more modern times to the accompaniment of fireworks to commemorate the day that our great Government Institution was saved. And these bonfires take place all over England in cities, towns, market towns and villages; thousands and thousands of them are lit.

    However, there is one particular addition to the event. A “Guy” is made, an effigy of that most criminal of criminals, Mr. Guy Fawkes. An effigy that is always placed on top of the bonfire and of course before it is lit. Everyone stands around the bonfire “ooohing” and “ahhing” as some selected individual sets the bonfire alight and to the great delight of the assembled company. It is a joyous remembrance occasion of state murder and the children love it!

    So you were saying that it is NOT every girl’s dream to find the perfect Guy.

    Well Madam, last November 5th my wife said to me, “the village committee have asked me to provide the Guy for this year’s Bonfire Night and I have accepted the challenge – I have been wracking my brains as to what to do and last night I had a dream – you’re it numb nuts – you’re the Perfect Guy!!”

    It may well be the case that many girls dream of eating without getting fat but not all dreams are equal; some dreams are more satisfying than others – well that’s what the wife says anyway !!

    Liked by 2 people

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