Mix Of Emotions

My heart is heavy. I have a mix of emotions inside of me. Sadness, anger, frustration. There are things in this life, in this world you simply can’t change. What is it that they say:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference… – Reinhold Niebuhr

Although I know the difference I struggle accepting it. I feel a mix of emotions but they are not good ones.

There are people out there who complain. Complain about not finding the reason to live. Complain about struggling to live life, to figure out who they truly are. People who live a darn good life. Who have everything they need. Who lived a happy life up to now, saw their kids grow up, have kids on their own and then, just because something takes a turn that they did not expect, it throws them off. And I understand. I understand that it’s hard. But they still live a good life. Have everything. Don’t have to worry about a single thing.

And then there are others, who would love to live. Love to dream of a future. Love to see their kids grow up but have to fight a war they might not win. Against an opponent you cannot see. A disease that has taken so many already.

I’m angry. I’m sad. I feel torn.

Torn between wanting to tell that person to shut up and appreciate the fact that life is good. That the kids are out of the house and live a happy life. That everyone is healthy.

Torn because I also know where this frustration comes from and I can sort of see how it can pull you into a negative whirlwind of emotions. And still… why not appreciate what you have? Why grieving for something that you can never have back again? Carry it in your heart. You don’t have to let go. Cherish it. Keep it in there, forever and enjoy the memories, even if they bring up emotions. But just appreciate what you have. What you had and what you will be able to enjoy in the future. Because you have a future!

Torn because there is another person. With the will to live. But not knowing if there will be a future after the battle…

Torn because the one that wants to live might not see the kids grow up. But the one that doesn’t has seen the kids grow up, get married and have children on their own. It’s moments like this that make me struggle for words. There’s no way to explain it, no way to find a reason why.

I feel torn because I want to stay positive and strong for both. But I’m so so sad. So confused about how life works… so out of words to support who needs support. Maybe it’s not words that are needed. But you can only hand out that many hugs. If the question arises “why now, why me” then a hug will most probably not cut it. And yet, there is simply no answer to such a question.


26 thoughts on “Mix Of Emotions

  1. This is a tough battle. It’s easy for us to see other’s lives and think “they have a good life and should appreciate it” but all too often what we see isn’t really their “life” but a pretty picture painted for the world to see. Sometimes the ones that appear to have it all, have very little in fact. I’ve learned all I can do is do my best every day to live a good life, and pray for everyone to do the same. ❀

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  2. What you write her reminds me of my mother-in-law. She was complaining about all and everything. It was hard to stay friendly and understanding because she really made me angry. She had everything!!! I think I don’t need to go into detail. You already did it perfectly up there. So just to tell you: I hear you!!!

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  3. You have indeed stated it well. We must learn to invest energy, emotional or physical, only in those things that can be changed. Everything else will have to be either avoided or endured.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. There is a sociological exercise, where you write down your problems on a single sheet of paper and place them in the center of a circle. You then get to choose any entry to handle. Almost without exception, folks will select their own issues. πŸ’˜ Interesting to see.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. When I was in the worst days of my seemingly never-ending cancer fight, and especially after I lost my Hannah, I did the “Why Me?” thing a couple of times. But then I remembered that there are children who never even see their birthday. Why anyone? So I understand people’s need to vent about their problems, but I do not accept the constant negativity and woe-is-me attitudes of people. I understand that severity of anyone’s problems does not negate the reality that other people are effected by theirs, but at the same time, there is only so much negativity I will tolerate knowing that not everything they think is doom and gloom actually is when compared to what other people face all the time.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. What happens, happens. The difference is how we react to it. The person who is aware today is all we have is blessed. No one is promised tomorrow. Yesterday can’t be changed.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. It is difficult to see someone who has so much to be grateful for yet is not. What do you say, that doesn’t come across as unkind? I hope you are able to be a comfort to them and help them see that they do have a lot to be thankful for.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I had to pull back there as I got to worked up. I need to calm down before talking to this person again. Otherwise I will leash out and hurt. And I don’t want to. I understand where the feeling comes from. But I don’t understand the way it’s dealt with, especially having a very sick friend who is not complaining and fighting her battle on the other side. Thanks for your lovely comment. xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  8. The feeling of being torn you describe used to hit me hardest when the AIDS epidemic was at its worst. People who were in perfect health made themselves wretched with envy: they weren’t making enough money, they didn’t get the hottest guy or girl the night before, or they couldn’t afford to get the best apartment. In the meantime I had friends who were dying and somehow gracing everyone who saw them with love and serenity.

    I think that most people don’t understand pain by degrees. By that I mean that the pain of not getting a promotion is subjectively as bad as the pain of losing an arm or a leg for someone who is not used to pain. In this sense the first step toward healing and placing the pain in perspective is accepting the loss and then cutting the loss by comparing it to the good things that one already has.

    This takes resilience and the ability to experience one’s own pain while empathizing with the pain of other people.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I always tell myself that any normal person have their ups and downs in life. Nothing can ever be perfect, so like one of the Beth said…the challenge is how we choose to react on the downs. And to stop comparing our existence with other people….which is a lot easier said than done.

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  10. That’s a pretty deep post without you detailing it all out Sandra. I can see why you are torn and I guess as the one in between, you get to see the “bigger picture” so to speak, but can’t quite comment anything or offer “advice” without lashing out. I guess the only thing you can do is listen and be that shoulder to cry on. Then again, when there’s too much negativity, sometimes yo just have to pull yourself away from it for a while so it doesn’t pull you down. Tough. Also because it’s human nature to always have something to complain about…


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