My heart is heavy. I have a mix of emotions inside of me. Sadness, anger, frustration. There are things in this life, in this world you simply can’t change. What is it that they say:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference… – Reinhold Niebuhr
Although I know the difference I struggle accepting it. I feel a mix of emotions but they are not good ones.
There are people out there who complain. Complain about not finding the reason to live. Complain about struggling to live life, to figure out who they truly are. People who live a darn good life. Who have everything they need. Who lived a happy life up to now, saw their kids grow up, have kids on their own and then, just because something takes a turn that they did not expect, it throws them off. And I understand. I understand that it’s hard. But they still live a good life. Have everything. Don’t have to worry about a single thing.
And then there are others, who would love to live. Love to dream of a future. Love to see their kids grow up but have to fight a war they might not win. Against an opponent you cannot see. A disease that has taken so many already.
I’m angry. I’m sad. I feel torn.
Torn between wanting to tell that person to shut up and appreciate the fact that life is good. That the kids are out of the house and live a happy life. That everyone is healthy.
Torn because I also know where this frustration comes from and I can sort of see how it can pull you into a negative whirlwind of emotions. And still… why not appreciate what you have? Why grieving for something that you can never have back again? Carry it in your heart. You don’t have to let go. Cherish it. Keep it in there, forever and enjoy the memories, even if they bring up emotions. But just appreciate what you have. What you had and what you will be able to enjoy in the future. Because you have a future!
Torn because there is another person. With the will to live. But not knowing if there will be a future after the battle…
Torn because the one that wants to live might not see the kids grow up. But the one that doesn’t has seen the kids grow up, get married and have children on their own. It’s moments like this that make me struggle for words. There’s no way to explain it, no way to find a reason why.
I feel torn because I want to stay positive and strong for both. But I’m so so sad. So confused about how life works… so out of words to support who needs support. Maybe it’s not words that are needed. But you can only hand out that many hugs. If the question arises “why now, why me” then a hug will most probably not cut it. And yet, there is simply no answer to such a question.