This is something that truly gets to me, observing some relationships that are no longer relationships. I know it’s really easy to say certain things and have a plan on how to do it if it doesn’t concern you. It’s always different when you are stuck in the situation and even if you try your best to make it as easy on everyone as possible and to still talk about your ex in a respectful, maybe even loving manner, your ex might not do the same thing.
While you will have your reasons to truly dislike and maybe even disrespect your ex, you should never expect your kids to feel the same way. All you do is putting even more pressure on them and unsettle them even more than what has already happened. When love moves out it is usually not a nice thing and often hard to understand for outsiders as I tried to describe in this Blast From The Past a little while ago… I think it’s clear that someone loses here and for sure it’s the children. But I still wonder though, if your kids cannot also gain from a broken relationships too…
Love. What a beautiful thing. You meet this person and you fall head over heel. You look after each other and grow that little seed called love. Your relationship develops, and after years and years together, you think you know each other inside out. And then boom…
Things go wrong. Maybe your love was not as strong as you thought it was. Maybe you were never really meant for each other. You grew apart. For whichever reason, it does not work out and you find yourself looking at the millions of shattered pieces of what used to be your dream relationship.
This is not about why it happens or when or whatever. This is about what happens after. Isn’t it amazing… not, let me rephrase it: Isn’t it shocking what happens to people, who once thought, nothing can come in between them? Isn’t it shocking to see how they suddenly treat each other?
I’ve witnessed a few couples going through separation and eventually divorce and what always surprises me is the intensity of disgust they suddenly have for each other. I am not even sure which word to use. But as strong as their love once seemed to be, as strong is the feeling they have for each other after splitting up.
So often you hear the sentence “I just don’t know where this new person comes from”. And I can understand, how strange it must feel to see someone act in such a different way. Someone you spent a long time with and now suddenly seem to have a different face.
I wonder what triggers this sudden lack of respect.
There are two couples we are friends with, who are separating at the moment. In both cases one of them cheated on the other one. What I think is interesting in both cases is, that the person who cheated and walked out of the relationship actually treats the other one with such anger and disgust. It doesn’t make sense.
I would understand if it would be the other way around. After all, it is pretty hard to walk in on your spouse. Discover the person you love in bed with someone else. If you then end up with anger and disgust and maybe even want to pay that person back, that is one thing. But if you were the person who cheated, why would you act in such a way? And yet, with both of those couples the person who cheated is on a “I will hurt and destroy you” trip… How come?
Is it because they have a new partner and the partner influences them? Is it because the relationship went south much earlier and the cheating was just the end to it? Is it because they feel like they’ve suffered? Or is it because they feel so immensely guilty that they try to turn it all around and make the other one feel bad too? I don’t get it.
Why is it that in separation and divorce the love we had for each other turns into a war? Especially when kids are around I can not understand it. I don’t understand why you would battle each other with not mercy.
Things go wrong. Relationships might not last. And that is just a part of life. I know how much it hurts if it does not last. But there is only that much we can do. And going on a rampage is not the way. Especially when kids are involved. Especially then we should keep on treating each other with as much respect as possible. The kids will suffer from the separation of their parents anyway, so why making it even worse for them?
There are so many bad examples out there and I hate this “I destroy you” mentality. I know it is easy to say if you are not in the situation, as so many things are. But there are also good examples. And I think we could all learn from them. It is, after all, about respect and dignity as so many things in life. And I feel we should be able to keep our dignity and respect the one person we once loved, even if they are no longer on our side.