If there are people in your life who like to control everyone and everything around them constantly, you will most likely not get around the feeling of not being good enough. You will face constant critique and questioning about the decisions you make. They will try to tell you what you’ve done wrong, how wrong your thinking is and what you have to do in order to do the right thing. But it for sure will not be the general right thing. It will be their right thing. Because for people like this it’s not about doing the right thing. It’s about doing it the way they want you to do it and in a way they get the most out of it.
It took me many years to come to the conclusion that no matter how close someone is, a person like this is not healthy for you. They destroy you, they suck everything right out of you. They don’t care about you. They only care about getting what they want.
It’s a brutal lesson to learn. And dealing with the damage that was done over years is also not easy. There will be many ups and downs on the journey of recovery of being manipulated in such a way. Many moments you feel you are on top of everything to then only realize that they got to you again. It’s a constant keeping your guard up to not again get hurt and pushed around to not shutting down, making it impossible for the good people in your life to reach you.
I’ve come a long way but I’m still not 100% there. I owe it to me to keep standing up for myself, my children, my husband, my family. For my decisions. For my life. But I don’t just owe it to myself, I also owe it to my children. I want them to learn, that it’s okay to stand your ground. I want them to grow strong and not weak. I want them to follow their path even if that might one day mean I will stay behind. I want them to see me strong. See me stand up for what I know is right. So that one day they will hopefully do the same.
I’d like to share this Blast From The Past with you, which will go a bit further into the thoughts I just shared. I wrote it in January 2015. I have not thrown in the towel. I’m even further away from doing it than I was back then. The towel belongs on the beach. That’s still the only place I happily will throw my towel “in”. Other than that, I keep standing up for myself.
When was the last time I felt ready to throw in the proverbial towel? When was the last time I had enough? Honestly, it actually happened pretty regularly for a long time. For way too long. First I felt strong and I thought I knew that if I face this person again or talk to this person I would be fine. But then during the encounter I suddenly realized that I started giving in. That the wall around me started crumbling. I found myself back in an old pattern. It hit me. It hit me hard. I felt bad. They managed to make me feel bad. Not only sad, but bad about myself, about my life, about decisions I’ve made. They managed to make me question myself. They managed to mess with my mind.
It’s that moment when all the expectations someone else has in you actually start getting to you. When you feel like you try so hard not to let it happen, to be strong and not to let it get to you. You feel like they put a heavy weight on your shoulder. A weight you don’t want to carry. A weight you should never have to carry. Something, that is not your baggage. But for whatever reason it happens. They manage getting to you and as much as you don’t want it to happen, it does. It hits you.
And you feel how this wall you tried to build around you in order to protect yourself is suddenly falling into pieces. And you realize that the expectations creep up on you. And in that very moment you suddenly feel like throwing in the towel. Like giving up, admitting that they are right. You feel like you are in the water and someone is trying to pull you down. And for a while you keep kicking and fighting it and then you reach the point where you just had enough. And then you start thinking about giving up. About just accepting their way and letting them pull you down into this abyss. You feel like throwing in the towel.
Oh how much I hate this feeling! Have you been there too? I think certain people have a talent. They have a talent to get to you. They know exactly how to get around this wall or how to go under or over it or how to even make it break. And no matter how much you feel prepared and ready for it, they somehow get to you. At least this was the case in my life with certain people.
Each and every time I prepared myself for an encounter, I told myself “enough is enough”! This time will be different. This time I am even better prepared than last time and I am over it. I know the way they will try to get to me and I will not let it happen. I have told myself this for so many times. And so many times I came out of it feeling like giving up again, happy for the fact that I was on my own again having time to recover. Happy to have my husband around to support me and pick up the pieces. Happy for having the chance to realize that throwing in the towel is not what I want to do.
So I take a deep breath and I am back on track again. I remind myself, that it is what they want. It’s not what I want. It’s their expectations and not mine. I would not stay true to myself if I would give up now. And I actually hear these words in my head: Enough is enough! They stepped over this line too often. Enough is enough! They have hurt me way too often. Enough is enough! They never respected me or tried to even see my point.
Enough is enough! I will not feel pressured anymore. Enough is enough! I will not let them get to me anymore. Enough is enough! I will not let their expectations slow me down anymore or even make me live a life which is not mine. Enough is enough! I will not let them make me sad or confused anymore. Enough is enough! I will not let them make me feel as if I have to throw in the towel.
It is my life. The way I chose to live it with the people I want in it. Enough is enough! It is time, finally, to not feel guilty about this anymore. So what do I do with this towel? I rather use it on the beach now than throwing it in. Because that is my life. A happy life. A life I choose to live and for that, I don’t need any explanation. I just need to do it.
In response to the Daily Post – Daily Prompt: Enough Is Enough