I just finished reading a fantastic post by Mark Manson in which he writes about the question if you would ever want to be with someone who is not excited to be with you. In short it’s about wanting the 100%, the question if you are 100% in or not and if the other person is 100% in or not. The question is also about giving and taking.
It’s about the question why men pursue women who are not 100% in. Why do we play the hunting game? Or why do women are happy to wait for that phone call although they realize that the guy on the other side was most likely checking “better options” before actually calling.
He touches base on so many issues I think we all have when out there, looking for the real deal.
Reading his post made me wonder why we do this? Why do we put ourselves second? Because in the end it’s what we do. If we are not 100% in we sell ourselves out, right? We settle for second best in any case. No matter if we are the ones that are not 100% in or the person we are with is not as excited to be with us as we are to be with them.
We lose. Big time. We lose because we will never experience this belonging together. We will never experience the feeling that we get if we are investing ourselves fully in a relationship and our partner as well. We will never know how it feels to truly belong. And on top of that the relationship will not be as strong as it could be with the right person.
Maybe that’s why so many relationships don’t last. Maybe it’s because people tend to rather accept for it to be less than it could be than waiting for the right person and being “alone”. The crazy thing is that being in a relationship that is not what it could be can also make you feel lonely. Just because you have someone on your side doesn’t mean you are not alone. People can make you feel lonely although they spend all the time with you. If the connection is not there a big piece is missing.
And I wonder: How will you be able to conquer all the challenges life throws at you, relationships might throw at you, if you are not 100% in? How can a relationship withstand the “storms” if you don’t have that connection?
“Let me ask again: Why would you ever be excited to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? If they’re not happy with you now, what makes you think they’ll be happy to be with you later? Why do you make an effort to convince someone to date you when they make no effort to convince you?” – Mark Manson
The longer I think about it the crazier it seems. Being excited to be with one, being happy to be with someone, making efforts to see each other seems to be the main ingredients for being in love. Right? So to repeat Mark Manson’s questions from above: Why would you accept less?
Is it because we think love can be learned, can grow while you are “at it”? Do you really believe it? See, I don’t.
Yes, love will grow but more like a child or a plant. You can’t grow things that are not there. And the growing is more of a developing, of a shaping and maybe even progressing in something even more. It needs a base thought. It needs a start, this seed. And the seed can only grow to it’s full potential if it is a healthy one and if it’s actually there. A pot of dirt doesn’t make a plant.
Loving someone and being 100% in means that you see something in your partner. Something that makes you happy, that excites you, that makes you wanting to be with that person all the time. As they say in good times and in bad times. It’s doesn’t need convincing!
Yes, love does need to be treated well and looked after. It needs to be fed, nourished and groomed. But not in a way where it needs to be kept alive at all costs. Love is a give and take. If it gets to the point where only one gives and the other one takes it will die off eventually. Manson compares it with a dog that constantly bites you, a friend that constantly ditches you or a job that doesn’t pay you. You would not take it for long, right? But for some reason people accept to be treated just that way in relationships. Just because they are afraid.
Afraid of being lonely, afraid of being the one that “gives up”. Afraid of walking out. And as I said before it’s then when you lose yourself. You give up on yourself, on what is important to you. You sell yourself out. For what? Just to be with someone who sucks the rest out of you as well.
I guess that’s why we come up with all the excuses about why we can’t or don’t want to invest us entirely in a relationship. It’s when we try to find an excuse about why our partner or the person we are interested in is not connecting on the same level we do. Instead of seeing it the way it actually is. Instead of acknowledge that it’s just not there, it’s just not enough. That we are not enough for that specific person or that person is not what we are actually looking for deep down inside.
Although Manson’s post is about love and relationship in a couple kind of way it also applies to family, to friends in my opinion. There are people who sell themselves short to family members too. And it’s actually even harder to come to terms with that than with the fact that you invested yourself too much into a relationship with someone from the “outside”. You can’t choose who you are blood related with. In that sense you can’t choose family. They are a given and you expect them to be there for you, to invest themselves 100% in you because it’s what you do for them.
Some of us wake up one day realizing, that it was only you that gave from an emotional point of view. That you tried too hard and for too long to feed a dog that was attacking and biting you constantly. You give chance after chance because you crave that feeling of being loved, of being enough. Because you provide this feeling for the other person. You give your all. And you get bitten over and over again. But you keep trying, although this the wound left is not healing. It can’t heal because it’s not been left alone. Bite after bite.
Until the wounds are too deep to keep being ignored. Finally you realize that it’s time to not reach out any longer. To leave that dog alone. To not care anymore if it gets fed or not. To just remove yourself and it’s then when you choose. You choose yourself over the other one.
Relationship, family, friends, job or a dog you feed that bites you: Eventually we will get to the point of realization and eventually we might have the strength of removing ourselves from this unhealthy relationship. Then we have to come to terms with the wasted time spent not caring enough for ourselves but for others or an image we had of a picture perfect dream that never came true. It’s then when our self respect finally resurfaces.
It’s then when we realize that saying “fuck yes” is so much better than a “okay” or that if we can not say “fuck yes” we better say “fuck no” and get the hell out of it…
“G” for “Give Or Take” as my post for the A to Z Challenge