I can feel it. That sting. In my heart. So many thoughts. So many unanswered questions. The biggest one is “why”. A why nobody will ever be able to answer. Why is it… And you can add so many things to this sentence. A sentence that seems so innocent but has so much weight.
The last couple of days were emotional ups and downs. I say don’t worry, I’m okay. Yes I am. We all are. We are good. We are healthy, we live a happy life. We have each other. In fact we had a wonderful weekend watching our beautiful girl and her team win the age category of a huge tournament. We saw the joy in her eyes, in the girls’ eyes. Their pride, their happiness. We saw commitment, spirit and their fire. We witnessed fighting qualities that inspired all of us. It was amazing.
While I watched all of this, saw the joy in the girls faces and in the parents’ as well. I also saw a mom, a friend of mine watching her daughter. With pride, with joy. I saw her smile, saw her cheer, saw her laugh and saw her in thoughts. And I knew what she was thinking about. I knew how happy but also sad she was in this very moment. I knew her pain.
It’s hard to know that someone is fighting for their life. It’s hard to know that they will never get a break again. It’s hard to know that they are sad, tired and fed up about that fight. But it’s even harder to be the person going through it. Luckily I’m not. But my friend is. It’s hard to see her sad and tired and on the brink of giving up. And it’s hard to not be able to do more. To not be able to really help. Sometimes it doesn’t feel good enough to just be there. To listen and encourage or tell her that it’s okay to be tired. Sometimes it’s just not good enough. But there is nothing else you can do.
And then there is the other side. Then there are people who are healthy but they simply can’t cope anymore with whatever this life throws at them. They can’t handle loss or pressure or whatever it is any longer. And nobody seems to get to them and make them see that there is a way. And so they exit this life. They decide to leave. And they go.
It’s mind blowing. On one side there are people who want to live but won’t. On the other side there are healthy people who simply can’t live anymore because they can’t cope anymore. And sometimes you find yourself in the middle of it, mourning the loss of one of them who decided to leave and fearing the loss of another one of your friends who’s hanging on to her life with all she has.
My mind is spinning. Confusion, sadness, fear. And I feel lost. Lost because I don’t know what to do. I know I want to support my friend. I know I want to keep asking R U Okay. Everyone. But sometimes I just don’t know what to give. What is too much and what’s not enough. And it stings. There is a sting. Because I know there is only that much I can do and everything else is totally out of my hand…