Maybe it was the post of a friend of mine about the loss of her mom. Maybe it was the honey on my toast this morning. Maybe it’s because I know I should continue writing his story but I froze… Whatever it is I can’t help thinking of my dad today.
My dad passed away in a beautiful age of almost 95 a couple of years ago. He suffered from dementia and in a way it robbed him of the last good years of his life. He had a fantastic life. I life definitely worth sharing. Dementia changed him though.
Some might say it was the age. I tell you it wasn’t. And I’m for sure not the right person to even make such a statement. I have not seen my dad in the years dementia struck really. Only at the beginning of it and at the very end. Given as we live in Australia and he was back in Switzerland. It changed him. And yet, it didn’t manage to entirely get to him.
I saw him for just about 2 weeks before he past away. While I was there he suffered from a really bad cold that turned into a chest infection and that took the last strength out of him. To be honest I thought he would pass away on the very first day I saw him again. He looked so bad. It was a brutal moment. Finally have made it over there again, being exhausted from the trip, dealing with all the feelings of being back and then seeing him so unwell. But he somehow “recovered”. I was told he really never made it back to the “strength” he had left before but he at least got to the point where we could interact. And I could tell that he recognized me and my family.
Dementia is brutal. It’s eating away on a person and from the outside you see them disappear. I often wonder how frustrating it must be for someone suffering from it and realizing in the early stages that bits and pieces are simply not connecting anymore. That parts of your memory are suddenly turning into clouds to then only disintegrate into nothing. And yet, when I saw him, I had the intense feeling that there was so much more there. Somewhere in there. Under a big pile of dust or in a big, thick cloud. Not easy for him to access anymore but still sort of trying to get to the surface. And sometimes it felt almost like that moment the sun is peaking through storm clouds for a brief moment. Those memories, the him he used to be, it all came through. Just for a short moment.
So when I sat down for breakfast this morning I felt like a piece of toast and honey. When we were kids my dad used to love to mix honey and butter. He called it “ant cream”… Don’t ask me why… And that mixture had this amazing creamy and sweet taste. When I’m focused I usually take my toast and spread the butter on it and then the honey. This morning though I was in thoughts. And in between putting the kettle on, drinking a glass of water and getting other things ready I mixed butter and honey just like we used to do it with dad… And somehow it tasted so much better then my usual toast with honey on it.
Posts I wrote about my dad:
About an ant hill
About not being an empty shell
About his passing
About him
About mountains
About luxury
About my favorite childhood memories
About the wind and stories it carries along
What a beautiful tribute to your dad. I’m so glad you were able to spend time with him at the end, I’m sure it gave him great comfort before leaving this earth. My thoughts are with you ❤️
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Thank you so very much
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Beautiful post 🙂 Sorry I haven’t been by in a while!
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Oh, thank you. I’m struggling to find time too…
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And, erm, sorry also about that post that never happened? I honestly don’t have time for guest posting these days
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Please do not worry about it at all! I’m trying to keep my blog up and running at the moment. So much going on in the real life! How are you doing? Are you all good?
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Yeah, I’m great. On track (sorta) academically, got a couple jobs, doing lots of astronomy volunteering, got a couple creative projects plus my blog…between all of that I’m swamped. Honestly my calendar is completely full these days, save for 15 min breaks. (I never schedule anything back to back.) And how’s life treating you?
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Oh it’s hectic here too! Fun but full on 😀
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Lol. But at least it’s fun!
I’ve almost finished the fifth chapter of my novel. That’s proceeding at a satisfying pace. But unfortunately I’ve been neglecting my blog. (In my defense, my internet cut out for a few days and I couldn’t use WordPress. But that doesn’t explain the entire time I’ve gone without a post…)
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Well done! Yeah, my blog was totally neglected over the last couple of months…
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I’ve neglected my blog for the past couple weeks…
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I enjoyed reading about your dad. Honey and butter made him come alive for us. You have marvelous memories; thanks for sharing them.
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Thank you so much, Anne. He was an amazing man.
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Lovely and bitter sweet.
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Thank you Cindy.
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So sorry about the loss of your dad. Dementia is so difficult. My grandma had dementia and Alzheimer’s and it was so difficult to see her change and not really get to enjoy her final years. When she passed it was such a double edged sword, you’re sad to lose her but also comforted that they’re no longer dealing with those difficult times. I hope you share more about your dad’s story.
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Very true. I will. I definitely have to write it. Thank you Katie.
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This was beautiful. And you’re right, dementia is a cruel fate and that’s my fear. I’d take cancer before dementia or Alzheimer’s.
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It’s tough to see how their memories just get messed up and then disappear.
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Lovely reflections and a beautiful post It’s good to pause and take these moments to remember our loved ones.
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Thank you
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As my eldest is now preparing for her wedding, you can imagine how much I am missing my dad. I am so grateful my kids got to know him and thus still remember him fondly. The whole family, maybe even that younger generation, remember so well his facial and verbal expressions. The few friends who have managed to live this long also remember how kind and funny and caring and smart he was, too. His body went before his mind, eaten away by diabetes. I am crying sort of happy tears as I write this, I’m sure you understand.
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I do. Sending you a big big hug!!!
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