I didn’t even know that there was a name for this person. For the person I thought loves me so much but had to realize that it was only about that person and nobody else. Then I started blogging. And step by step I started realizing that there was a name, there was a word for the behavior: Narcissism.
I will not give the person the space here but I still want to write about narcissism. About what it can do to you. About the long term effects their influence can have on you.
I was lucky. Lucky to find a good partner. A partner who not only gave me support, not only listened and dealt with my up and downs but also set things right. He told me from the very beginning that it wasn’t me. That there was nothing wrong with me, the things I wanted, dreamed of, wished for or wanted to achieve. He mentioned every now and then that maybe the other person was wrong. Which then got him in trouble. A little bit with me but mainly with that person.
We were strong enough to get through this and I have to say that blogging helped me. Not because I wrote about the insecurities I felt. Or that I thought I wasn’t smart enough for things or good enough for others. But because I read your stories. All the stories bloggers shared about their experience. Their stories about narcissism. And it opened my eyes. I understood that the person was manipulating me. That what was claimed to be done “just for me” was really not about me at all. Little by little I grew again. I let go. Let go of the toxic influence, of the pressure, the pain, the struggle.
It takes a lot to free yourself of the fangs of a narcissist. It’s a struggle. Especially if you grew up with one. Their influence goes deep and you’ve gone through programming. It’s hard to brake lose of those chains, to create new habits. To actually start believing in yourself and your abilities. It takes a massive amount of work to actually understand who you are and what you are capable of.
And it all needs support. Understanding. And Love.
I’m glad. I’m glad I found the right partner. Someone who stuck to me no matter what and believed in me. Someone who saw me for who I really was and wanted the real me. I’m also glad (and that might sound weird) for the experience. It was a lesson. A lesson of how not to treat people and what not to accept. A lesson of love and support, of growth.
All I can say is that no matter what people try to make you believe or tell you to do: Believe in yourself and stick up for yourself. Even if it’s hard. Toxic people come in many shapes and forms and roles. Sometimes they sneak in from the outside, sometimes they are part of the family. No matter who they are: You don’t have to accept them and their treatment. You are worth so much more…
“I was telling my daughter…” was how the message started. It was a message that was sent to me by one of the couple of people I consider my “inner circle” here in Australia. I know her for a couple of years now, all thanks to our daughters. She is one of those women that fill the room with warmth. But she is also a tough nut. She is honest and straight forward. And I guess that’s why people just simply love and trust her. She is also one of the few who know who the Momma behind this blog actually is. So after I posted my “Sleepovers” post she reached out to me. Because that’s who she is. She tells you… and don’t you like it when one of your posts provokes a reaction? So here is what she had to say:
Sometimes I can’t shake the feeling that we live in a messy world. So much going on. School shootings, wars, pollution. And we are in the middle of all of that. Maybe we are paying attention to all of it. Maybe we are ignoring it. Maybe it is not getting to us because it’s not our family that got blown up. maybe it’s because the school where the mass shooting happened is not even close to where we live. And maybe our beach looks pristine and clean.
I don’t know how often we will write or read texts, articles, posts like this one here. Post in which we mention how bewildered we are about what has just occurred again. Statements we make about having enough, highlighting the fear, the anger, the numbness we feel. They pain we feel for the parents, the families, the friends who have lost loved ones once again. Maybe we even express our hope that now, finally, something will change, to then only realize that time will go buy, nothing will change until the cycle will begin again, from the beginning till the end with the same result.
A hot chocolate, a fire place, the inside of a chalet or a cottage with all the wood and snuggling in the sofa in our warm comfy cloths comes to mind when I look at the word “cozy“. I guess it’s the way I grew up that still influences this kind of thinking. Because for whatever reason it’s somehow related to the cold outside and the warmth inside. It’s so much more though. It’s not just spending a cold winters night in a warm place.
There were a lot of “Me Too” posts going around on Facebook recently and the ones of you who know what it’s all about might agree with me how surprising it was to see the many, many me too’s. For the few of you who might have missed it and have no clue what it is about: It’s about basically putting your hand up if you have ever been sexually assaulted in any way. I had a “me too” to put up as well. I admit my assault is most likely one to simply brush off and yet it crossed a line big time. It was “only” verbally but I still feel sick when thinking about it. I can only imagine how it must feel when you are “properly” assaulted.
In the entire series of “me too” posts I’ve seen one stood out for me. It was the post of one of my newly found friends who shared her thoughts about the responsibility we have as mothers to make sure our sons will not turn into the reason why a woman would say “me too”. She wrote about the responsibility we have to make sure our boys understand where the line is and also that it’s their responsibility as well to protect girls and stand up for them if necessary.
So the responsibility is in our hands. Not only to teach our daughters to stand up for and how to protect themselves but also to teach our sons to be respectful and protective of the girls in their lives. It’s about needing and wanting to the the right thing. Always. So I’d like to express some thoughts I have put out there a couple of months ago about what keeps me on my toes as a parent. But also about all the things influencing our kids and constantly leaving marks. Marks that often need to be addressed but also as often might not even been discovered for way too long.
The word believe and what is attached to it is something interesting, don’t you think? Belief in yourself, in others in an institution can come and go, can be used in motivational ways but also in quite a destructive manner.
I thought about belief and mindset a lot over the last months, maybe even years. Not in a religious way, more in a motivational or inspirational way. Or in short more in a way to find something to keep me mentally afloat during tough times. Continue reading
I can feel it. That sting. In my heart. So many thoughts. So many unanswered questions. The biggest one is “why”. A why nobody will ever be able to answer. Why is it… And you can add so many things to this sentence. A sentence that seems so innocent but has so much weight.
We’ve had some stunningly beautiful days recently. Perfect weather, sunny, warm with that tiny little chilly feeling to it. Beautiful winter days or maybe fall days.
When I’m out on days like this I can’t help smiling. Not only because I enjoy the moment as such but in moments like that I’m also grateful for not being stuck in fog for weeks and weeks.
It’s fascinating how long you can live in an area and only discover little gems after years. Last spring we had a chat with a friend of ours about beaches in the area and he mentioned one that we never realized would even exist. A truly hidden gem. Or so you would think…