When I wake up I usually pick up my phone and read through FB and comments here on my blog. Today I got stuck on FB reading all those posts about Kate Spade. And I felt sad.
Sad not because I knew her but because for someone who seems to have everything in life to take her life being only 55 made me feel sad. But then what do we really know? All we see is a successful fashion designer. We have no clue what she’s dealing with on the inside, in the privacy of her life.
While I was reading up on it a text message arrived. When I saw who sent it I knew immediately it wouldn’t mean good news. See, he doesn’t text really… I thought that maybe I was wrong and maybe he needed help with the kids today for whatever reason. Maybe it was not about what I feared it would be.
But it was. My friend passed away over night. Peacefully in her sleep. I really hope it was peacefully because she fought a hard enough fight for way too long.
I find myself sitting here with a whirlwind of thoughts in my head about how different the stories of my friend and this stranger ended. One wanted to stay, one wanted to go. Both of them leaving people behind that will miss them dearly. And I can’t stop thinking that one life was stolen and one was simply given up…
I’m so glad I found love…
I didn’t even know that there was a name for this person. For the person I thought loves me so much but had to realize that it was only about that person and nobody else. Then I started blogging. And step by step I started realizing that there was a name, there was a word for the behavior: Narcissism.
I will not give the person the space here but I still want to write about narcissism. About what it can do to you. About the long term effects their influence can have on you.
I was lucky. Lucky to find a good partner. A partner who not only gave me support, not only listened and dealt with my up and downs but also set things right. He told me from the very beginning that it wasn’t me. That there was nothing wrong with me, the things I wanted, dreamed of, wished for or wanted to achieve. He mentioned every now and then that maybe the other person was wrong. Which then got him in trouble. A little bit with me but mainly with that person.
We were strong enough to get through this and I have to say that blogging helped me. Not because I wrote about the insecurities I felt. Or that I thought I wasn’t smart enough for things or good enough for others. But because I read your stories. All the stories bloggers shared about their experience. Their stories about narcissism. And it opened my eyes. I understood that the person was manipulating me. That what was claimed to be done “just for me” was really not about me at all. Little by little I grew again. I let go. Let go of the toxic influence, of the pressure, the pain, the struggle.
It takes a lot to free yourself of the fangs of a narcissist. It’s a struggle. Especially if you grew up with one. Their influence goes deep and you’ve gone through programming. It’s hard to brake lose of those chains, to create new habits. To actually start believing in yourself and your abilities. It takes a massive amount of work to actually understand who you are and what you are capable of.
And it all needs support. Understanding. And Love.
I’m glad. I’m glad I found the right partner. Someone who stuck to me no matter what and believed in me. Someone who saw me for who I really was and wanted the real me. I’m also glad (and that might sound weird) for the experience. It was a lesson. A lesson of how not to treat people and what not to accept. A lesson of love and support, of growth.
All I can say is that no matter what people try to make you believe or tell you to do: Believe in yourself and stick up for yourself. Even if it’s hard. Toxic people come in many shapes and forms and roles. Sometimes they sneak in from the outside, sometimes they are part of the family. No matter who they are: You don’t have to accept them and their treatment. You are worth so much more…
To all the wonderful moms out there: You are amazing!
Now Danny has this thing going. The Let Me Ask You A Question thread. And it’s pretty fun. So he recently asked the following question and I would love to hear your answers:
Did you have a celebrity crush growing up?
Full disclosure: Mine was this guy…
Interesting how suddenly something pops up that starts your mind spinning in circles, pondering about what you just read… It was a post about feeling too old to start certain things. Too old because that person hit 50. That woman hit 50.
I’m not far off of the big 5. But I don’t feel like I’m too old. Nobody should.
Nobody should feel too old to try to achieve dreams they had for years. Nobody should be too old to chase after dreams they just only started having. Nobody should feel too old to pursue them. Nobody should feel too old to live their life to the fullest. Nobody should feel too old to do what makes them truly happy, even if that means changing career. Nobody should feel too old to make a difference even if they turn 100. Nobody should feel too old to focus on what’s really important to them.
I recently read something that I really liked and suits this post perfectly: “Right now is the oldest you’ve ever been and the youngest you’ll ever be.”
So I wonder: What are we all waiting for? Why are we so hesitant to do what we think would make us truly happy? If not now then when? And why not now? Why not start something new now? Why not chase your dreams now? Why always wait for the perfect day that might never come because frankly there is never a perfect moment for change.
There are always a thousand reasons why you should not change things. But deep in your heart you know you have to. Because you know it’s not right.
Do it! Don’t wait. Because you never know if tomorrow will actually come. And maybe you might just miss your chance if you keep waiting for a better day to make it happen…