Narcissism

I didn’t even know that there was a name for this person. For the person I thought loves me so much but had to realize that it was only about that person and nobody else. Then I started blogging. And step by step I started realizing that there was a name, there was a word for the behavior: Narcissism.

I will not give the person the space here but I still want to write about narcissism. About what it can do to you. About the long term effects their influence can have on you.

I was lucky. Lucky to find a good partner. A partner who not only gave me support, not only listened and dealt with my up and downs but also set things right. He told me from the very beginning that it wasn’t me. That there was nothing wrong with me, the things I wanted, dreamed of, wished for or wanted to achieve. He mentioned every now and then that maybe the other person was wrong. Which then got him in trouble. A little bit with me but mainly with that person.

We were strong enough to get through this and I have to say that blogging helped me. Not because I wrote about the insecurities I felt. Or that I thought I wasn’t smart enough for things or good enough for others. But because I read your stories. All the stories bloggers shared about their experience. Their stories about narcissism. And it opened my eyes. I understood that the person was manipulating me. That what was claimed to be done “just for me” was really not about me at all. Little by little I grew again. I let go. Let go of the toxic influence, of the pressure, the pain, the struggle.

It takes a lot to free yourself of the fangs of a narcissist. It’s a struggle. Especially if you grew up with one. Their influence goes deep and you’ve gone through programming. It’s hard to brake lose of those chains, to create new habits. To actually start believing in yourself and your abilities. It takes a massive amount of work to actually understand who you are and what you are capable of.

And it all needs support. Understanding. And Love.

I’m glad. I’m glad I found the right partner. Someone who stuck to me no matter what and believed in me. Someone who saw me for who I really was and wanted the real me. I’m also glad (and that might sound weird) for the experience. It was a lesson. A lesson of how not to treat people and what not to accept. A lesson of love and support, of growth.

All I can say is that no matter what people try to make you believe or tell you to do: Believe in yourself and stick up for yourself. Even if it’s hard. Toxic people come in many shapes and forms and roles. Sometimes they sneak in from the outside, sometimes they are part of the family. No matter who they are: You don’t have to accept them and their treatment. You are worth so much more…

Messy

Image result for pollution image

Sometimes I can’t shake the feeling that we live in a messy world. So much going on. School shootings, wars, pollution. And we are in the middle of all of that. Maybe we are paying attention to all of it. Maybe we are ignoring it. Maybe it is not getting to us because it’s not our family that got blown up. maybe it’s because the school where the mass shooting happened is not even close to where we live. And maybe our beach looks pristine and clean.

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Bewildered

I don’t know how often we will write or read texts, articles, posts like this one here. Post in which we mention how bewildered we are about what has just occurred again. Statements we make about having enough, highlighting the fear, the anger, the numbness we feel. They pain we feel for the parents, the families, the friends who have lost loved ones once again. Maybe we even express our hope that now, finally, something will change, to then only realize that time will go buy, nothing will change until the cycle will begin again, from the beginning till the end with the same result.

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Cozy

A hot chocolate, a fire place, the inside of a chalet or a cottage with all the wood and snuggling in the sofa in our warm comfy cloths comes to mind when I look at the word “cozy“. I guess it’s the way I grew up that still influences this kind of thinking. Because for whatever reason it’s somehow related to the cold outside and the warmth inside. It’s so much more though. It’s not just spending a cold winters night in a warm place.

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Believe

The word believe and what is attached to it is something interesting, don’t you think? Belief in yourself, in others in an institution can come and go, can be used in motivational ways but also in quite a destructive manner.

I thought about belief and mindset a lot over the last months, maybe even years. Not in a religious way, more in a motivational or inspirational way. Or in short more in a way to find something to keep me mentally afloat during tough times. Continue reading

Foggy

 

We’ve had some stunningly beautiful days recently. Perfect weather, sunny, warm with that tiny little chilly feeling to it. Beautiful winter days or maybe fall days.

When I’m out on days like this I can’t help smiling. Not only because I enjoy the moment as such but in moments like that I’m also grateful for not being stuck in fog for weeks and weeks.

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It’s The Mixture Of Things…

Image result for image baking ingredients

I read a great post on Coach Daddy yesterday and funny enough my son has decided to bake something today and is using the same ingredients mentioned in Eli’s post. While reading Eli’s post I couldn’t stop thinking about people. The wheel in my head started spinning. There you are, having flour, salt, brown sugar, maybe cacao powder, baking powder ready to use. By now you might wonder what people, sugar, flour, salt, baking powder or soda or cacao powder have in common. Bare with me…

You see all the different ingredients, you look at their different colors, textures and shapes. Everything is so very different and yet some are so similar. Again I can’t help but think of people. The wheel is still spinning…

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