There’s a lot on my mind today and yet I can’t really put it in words. It’s one of those moments where you want to express yourself but simply can’t. I still don’t really know if I have processed it. I guess it’s not real. It’s just not real because I don’t “feel” the loss. It’s not part of my day to day life. Sometimes it’s a good thing, sometimes not.
I guess when you lose someone that was so important to you all of your life and you are used to seeing that person on a regular base it hits you hard. Not that it wouldn’t have hit me.
But it’s probably easier to forget that the person is actually gone when you lived the past 10 years on the opposite sides of this planet. You don’t see each other. The days go by and it’s just normal to not spend time together. And then, when that person is gone, it doesn’t change your day to day really. Because it’s not as if a part of it was removed.
On some days I’m not even aware of the fact that my Dad is no longer with us. But then it hits me and it almost feels like a little electric shock. It’s real. He is no longer here. There will no longer be moments to share, memories to be make. No more phone calls. No more hearing him whistle with the birds, no more of his giggling. I will not have the chance anymore to hug him and smell the very familiar scent of his skin or aftershave.
It comes in waves, that realization that he is gone. I still have no answers to the questions that were in my head when I wrote the following post one year ago. What I do know is, that he is up there with the stars, whistling with the wind now…
Children seem to get there, all of them, at one point. Maybe it’s part of growing up and realizing that things are changing. Maybe it’s part of the letting go. I’m not sure. But they all get to the point where they start asking questions about dying.
I was expecting it. Frankly already for months now. I thought the passing away of my Dad would get my daughter to the point where she would ask the question. The question I believe it’s the hardest one to answer:
” What happens to us after we die?”
… but not everybody lives! Do you truly live your life or are just floating along? Ask yourself that question. If you can’t answer it immediately with “yes, I do live my life” then it’s time to change something!
I know that there are some parts of our life that we would rather not go through, stuff that we would rather not do. And yet they are necessary or they simply have to be done. But there’s plenty of time on the side to make your life worth living. So do it! Don’t wait! Don’t find excuses!
I really don’t know where this post will go. I don’t know to which point my thoughts are sorted. Or not sorted. I’m somewhere between feeling incredibly sad and kind of calm, kind of at peace. I’m not sure if it has sunk in just yet. Not sure if I was able to give what I wanted to give. Not sure if I was able to let him know what he needed to know. And yet I think I could give him peace. Not sure if he found closure or if it was just pure coincidence.
It’s interesting. Life and death. The way we deal with it, the expectations we have. The way we think we would feel like when we are confronted for the first time with the loss of someone who’s really close to us. The way we deal with the passing, the moments of support of the person who is leaving us. The moments after…
I saw it coming! I saw the white cloud approaching me fast! I tried! I tried to get out! But I couldn’t!
Why? How could that happen? How could I possibly end up here? This run was meant to be safe! I did everything right! I did not ski off-piste! I did not ski on an unsafe slope! I did not take any risks! I checked the snow report… I would never take any risks! It is just too stupid!