There’s a lot on my mind today and yet I can’t really put it in words. It’s one of those moments where you want to express yourself but simply can’t. I still don’t really know if I have processed it. I guess it’s not real. It’s just not real because I don’t “feel” the loss. It’s not part of my day to day life. Sometimes it’s a good thing, sometimes not.
I guess when you lose someone that was so important to you all of your life and you are used to seeing that person on a regular base it hits you hard. Not that it wouldn’t have hit me.
But it’s probably easier to forget that the person is actually gone when you lived the past 10 years on the opposite sides of this planet. You don’t see each other. The days go by and it’s just normal to not spend time together. And then, when that person is gone, it doesn’t change your day to day really. Because it’s not as if a part of it was removed.
On some days I’m not even aware of the fact that my Dad is no longer with us. But then it hits me and it almost feels like a little electric shock. It’s real. He is no longer here. There will no longer be moments to share, memories to be make. No more phone calls. No more hearing him whistle with the birds, no more of his giggling. I will not have the chance anymore to hug him and smell the very familiar scent of his skin or aftershave.
It comes in waves, that realization that he is gone. I still have no answers to the questions that were in my head when I wrote the following post one year ago. What I do know is, that he is up there with the stars, whistling with the wind now…
There are things in life that are hard to explain to your children. Things that seem so easy. Like love, jealousy or what being mean could do. Those are feelings, deep feelings and how would you ever be able to clearly describe a deep feeling. Something we all know so well, have been through, have made our experiences with. Feelings we know and we might actually be able to describe.
But would we ever get even close to what it really feels like? The butterfly feeling love can give you. The pain it might inflict if your heart is broken. The nagging feeling jealousy can give you. And the pain, the sadness, the numbness being bullied can leave back inside of you.
I had a conversation about feelings with the kids lately. All of those mentioned above came up. And I realized how hard it is to actually make them understand something they have not been through just yet.
They know what love feels like, at least the love they have for their parents and their sibling. They know what jealousy feels like because, as we all know, they get jealous. Thankfully my children have not experienced the pain being bullied can leave behind. And I hope they never will. But I want them to understand how much damage can be done. So we did this little “experiment” with them. An experiment I’ve shared with you in a post last year and which I would like to share again in this Blast Of The Past.
My heart is heavy. I have a mix of emotions inside of me. Sadness, anger, frustration. There are things in this life, in this world you simply can’t change. What is it that they say:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference… – Reinhold Niebuhr
Although I know the difference I struggle accepting it. I feel a mix of emotions but they are not good ones.
I really don’t know where this post will go. I don’t know to which point my thoughts are sorted. Or not sorted. I’m somewhere between feeling incredibly sad and kind of calm, kind of at peace. I’m not sure if it has sunk in just yet. Not sure if I was able to give what I wanted to give. Not sure if I was able to let him know what he needed to know. And yet I think I could give him peace. Not sure if he found closure or if it was just pure coincidence.
It’s interesting. Life and death. The way we deal with it, the expectations we have. The way we think we would feel like when we are confronted for the first time with the loss of someone who’s really close to us. The way we deal with the passing, the moments of support of the person who is leaving us. The moments after…
There’s nothing more confusing than love. The feelings you have when you are in love. The butterflies in your tummy, the heartache, the longing, the excitement. Feelings we are familiar with but are still so very hard to describe. Early this year I was invited to write a guest post for Nonsense & Shenanigans about love. As I just recently had a conversation with my kids about how it feels like being in love I decided to post it again today as a blast from the past.
I often head over to the Daily Prompts and see if there’s something that’s specifically interesting. Today I felt like having a déjà-vue!
So I decided to rather use an old post of mine about the exact same subject as a blast of the past rather than writing the same thing over again ;-)…
It has actually been three times that the same subject was used for a Daily Prompt. I can’t blame them really as it’s an interesting prompt and I’m sure there’s plenty to write about. The prompts were:
- “Tell us about the last time you were really, truly jealous of someone. Did you act on it? Did it hurt your relationship?” (May 8th 2015)
- “Write an anonymous letter to someone you’re jealous of.” (May 15th 2015)
- “We all get jealous from time to time — what wakes the green-eyed monster for you?” (August 2015)
I wonder though what your take on it is? Have you ever been so totally jealous? And when and why was it?
Why are you looking at me like this? Why are you so super critical? Who do you think you are? Now let me tell you something: I can see the disgust in your eyes. And I can see how you scan my body. Now I ask you: What is wrong with you?
How can you put a word like ‘depth’ into a picture… For me it means so much, on so many levels.
It is the depth of my love for my kids.
It is the depth of the joy I feel watching my children when they have a great time.
It’s the depth of my feeling I have for them when they are sad or hurt.
It is the depth for my love for my husband.
It’s the depth of my friendship with my husband.
It is the depth of my trust in him, my children and my friends.
It is the depth of my friendship with my friends, close or far.
It’s the depth of the acceptance and love I feel for myself.
It is the depth of the feeling I have when I am out in nature.
It’s the depth of the trust I have that everything is for a reason and will lead me even further.
Sometimes it can be the depth of anger, frustration and sadness as well. I guess every now and then we all get there…
But most of all it is the depth of the gratitude I feel for living a life like this. The depth of the gratitude I feel for being able to do the things I do. To be healthy and happy and live my life with the people I belong to.
In response to the Daily Post Photo Challenge – Depth
I saw it coming! I saw the white cloud approaching me fast! I tried! I tried to get out! But I couldn’t!
Why? How could that happen? How could I possibly end up here? This run was meant to be safe! I did everything right! I did not ski off-piste! I did not ski on an unsafe slope! I did not take any risks! I checked the snow report… I would never take any risks! It is just too stupid!
Goodbye is never easily said. That is of course if you are not saying it to a customer of any kind.