No Need For Fake Friends

I recently commented on a post Berryduchess wrote about unhealthy friendships. There are many unhealthy friendships or relationships as I think you can find all those groups in all areas of life. Work, family, friends. The worse though are toxic people as they combine all those unhealthy sides in my books.They are pure venom.

I find there’s nothing worse than having toxic people in your life. Work, family, friends, no matter where they come from, they shouldn’t be in your life. In some circumstances there’s only little you can do and I guess you just need to “suck it up” and deal with it. Like in your job. Of course you can change job but that’s not always that easy either and why giving up on something you like to do?

Unfortunately there are toxic people in your private life as well. And it’s not always easy to detect them or to admit to yourself that there is someone toxic in your life.

If you are just a little bit like me you will deal with this toxic person for a long time. You will try and cut that person slack. You will find excuses for their behavior and you will accept there excuses although they never really make sense. And each and every time they hurt you again or try to poison your surroundings you will feel like they stabbed you. You will find yourself on your knees not understanding why they would do what they do. You might even ask yourself what you did wrong.

What I understood over the years is, that there is nothing I can do. When you deal with people like this it doesn’t matter what you are saying or doing. They hear and see exactly what they want to hear and see. A friend told me once that people like this will see a white plate as a black plate just because they want the plate to be black. And although the plate is clearly white for you, me and everyone else, for them it will always be a black plate. You will never be able to convince them from the reality because it’s just not what they want to see. It’s not easy to break this pattern, break out of it.

After all you might have a history together. Years of a so called friendship. And they manage to get to you, they manage to make you feel bad and they manage to make you feel like it’s all your fault. They make you feel as if it’s your aim to make them feel bad. I finally learned that I didn’t do anything wrong. That some people are just wired like this. I learned it and still it’s not easy, especially when you can not simply scratch that person from your life. Over the years I managed to filter out my real friends from all the others that I don’t need in my life. I would say that thanks to this the quality of my friends is really high now and I’m thankful for that. I guess it shows who your real friends are. Especially in situations that are not the way everyone wants them to be. Real friends stick to you. Fake ones turn on you or leave you alone even if you are surrounded by a mess.

Although it might feel hard as you probably feel deeply disappointed by that so called “friend” it’s good that they show their real face. It provides you with the chance to decide what you want in your life, who you want to be there, who you want to be close. I don’t want people who might turn on me close to me or my family. I want to keep them as far away as possible. Sometimes you just don’t see their real face though until one of these situations in life comes up that tests everything and everyone.

I’ve been there.

It wasn’t easy. It was hard.

It makes you stronger and it definitely makes you a better person. It’s one of the life lessons we learn that bring us forward if we are open for it. Being stabbed in the back is not a nice feeling, especially when a “friend” was involved. What you can take out of it is that it not necessarily makes you stumble and fall though. You can still continue walking and eventually you will heal. And hopefully you will never make the same mistake and turn your back towards someone you can’t truly trust.

This lesson was good as well as it not only showed me how strong I am and how strong my relationship with my husband is. It also showed me who I can rely on and who was just there for the ride because they could get something out of it. Whatever they were hoping to find. It was also a good lesson in listening to yourself, trusting your gut and not let anything from the outside convince you of the opposite your gut feeling is telling you. And you will have a gut feeling about someone.

Listen to your gut feeling. Stick to who you are and your real friends will stick to you.

35 thoughts on “No Need For Fake Friends

  1. Sometimes you have to clean house. I was discussed this very topic with my husband. We all have been through it. Some friends are there for a season or reason to learn a lesson. Some are friends are there for a lifetime.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Some societies require that you keep even the dangerous and the venomous connections alive – because if you don’t, you are ostracized. A lot of people can’t deal with ostracism. They must balance their need for a clean house with that of human-contact. But if you are strong enough to handle it and if you have a few close friends that would never leave you, no matter how you handle the relationships that’ve been poisoning your life – then gathering up your courage and severing such relationships could be the best thing. A very insightful post. Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your feedback. You are right. It’s not always easy. In fact it’s actually pretty hard… but in the end you need to look after yourself too.

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  3. Thanks for your honesty and insight. I, too, had to deal with a toxic person in my life and it unfortunately was my spouse. I agree with you that it’s tempting to try to deal with the toxic person for a long time and find excuses for their behavior until you end up on your knees. But when you finally realize they are toxic and damaging to you and your family, it is best to separate from that person. Thanks for reminding us of the truth that we heal and become stronger through the process, though it is painful!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It takes me around 5 years before I finally got the strength walk out from my last job which filled with toxic people. Despite that I love the job, it was scary thinking about loosing a job while I have to fill all the needs of my family. But then again, I was tired. Tired of questioning myself, tired of thinking that I was just not good enough. And Just like you said, it doesn’t matter what I do or say. They only hear and see what they want. So I made the hardest decision ever. I quit and took some time to recover, to find ‘me’ again.

    During that unemployed months, I can see who are my real friend. Who sticks with me when I was on the lowest level. So even though it was hard time, I felt lucky.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. As always, words of wisdom! My father used to have a saying in Spanish “vale más solo que mal acompaniado” which translates to “Better off alone than in bad company.” I know all too well how even family can seem like they are right by you until you no longer have anything they need then they move on and bad mouth you and your family. I love my family and I always will but some of it is toxic and I’ll stay away from those parts as much as I can.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Sometimes you just have to clean house….I’ve done it – not easy, but so beneficial. And, it makes me appreciate my real friends even more than I already do.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I agree. I guess it also opens your eyes to the real friends and finally gives you time to really enjoy them. I find usually the fake ones take up so much space as they are constantly in your face.

      Liked by 1 person

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  8. I can feel the pain. It’s hurting. Also I believe ‘fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me’ knowing that person will backstab you, will hurt you and make a fool of you, I feel ashamed of myself for trusting and being too naive when I should have known better from experiences. It’s better to be have a distance from those people, have an emotional barrier but social kindness when meet with them. Dont ever make them your priority, feel secure in hapoy circle of friends and family which makes u feel stronger

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  9. Been there with my best friend. I expected him to think like I do since we helped each other so perfectly out of our mud. But the differences showed up, when his life unfolded. I let go of the imagination to still be important in his life. I detached myself. It is a comfortable feeling to have open arms when he needs me but not being dependent on being needed.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Great stuff here, I’ve always maintained that when I leave this life, if I can count, even on one hand, the friends that are loyal and steadfast, I will consider myself blessed. I just want to say, if I haven’t already, how much I enjoy your blog. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I loved this post. I felt like I needed to read it today. I have found a healthy bunch of people to share my journey with after many sad friendship disasters and hard earned experiences and lessons. I struggle from time to time about people insisting on seeing the plate as black as you mentioned, when really the plate is white.
    I know not everyone will like us, the sad part is when people run on jealousy and form armies to tare down others to feel better about themselves.
    Love your page and I always leave feeling good!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. My pet peeve when it comes to so-called friendships is that too many of them seem to run in only one direction. There are several (actually way too many) ladies who have been my close friends at various times and places in my life. I can probably count on one hand the number of times any (actually all) of them have initiated contact of any sort with me. I don’t know if this is because they, or at least some of them, think I can find out everything that might be important in their lives through social media. If that’s the case, I could tell them, if they wanted to know, that that is absolutely not true. Most of what they share is what they would want any John or Jane Q. Public to know i.e. the happy and/or general stuff. As their caring friend, however, I want to know the real detailed stuff. Seems that whenever I am curious to know how any of them really are, I have to pick up the phone.

    Liked by 1 person

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