Blue Pill Or Red Pill?

Posted on by under Daily Prompt, Life

Don’t worry, this is not a hidden weird message to my fellow Swiss. What you see in this pic is a bread roll and what would basically be 5 cents.

There is a saying in Swiss German (be prepared, I will write it the way I think is right in Swiss German): De Füfer und sWeggli ha. It means to have both, the bread roll and the money you’d have to pay for it and it stands for something impossible. Not that 5 cents would buy you anything anymore… But that’s not what this post is about.

Having both, the 5 cents and the bread. It’s what The Editor’s Journal’s post made me think of. A situation where you really don’t want to decide.

bprp castaway

 

What an incredibly brutal situation! What a dilemma to be in! Crisis for sure! A completely unpredictable situation… I honestly feel bad just thinking about it!

My standard answers to some questions “Why not both” doesn’t work here…

As much as you love your new partner now, you would most probably not be with him if your first husband would have never disappeared. But then you are also with him for a reason. I would not just remarry for the sake of being married. And let’s just pretend you would not remarry just so you would not being a single parent facing all the challenges you might. Let’s pretend although your first husband was the love of your life, you find someone you love and that’s why you get married again.

And now you are stuck with two. The man you loved in the first place and who is the real father of your kids. On the other hand the man who you love now and who is equally the father of your kids, maybe even more, depending on how long he was around in comparison to the birth-father. Actually they most probably spent more time with the current husband as it takes time until someone is declared dead. And someone has to be declared dead for you to remarry.

What a complicated situation to be in…

You not only have to consider your feelings, which is tricky enough, but for sure also your children’s. What if they were very little when your first husband disappeared and have no real memories of him? What if all they know is life with your second husband who is a loving and fantastic dad to them?

I also wonder if the person who returns will be the same that you lost. What if he has changed? I believe that we all change over time. Whatever happened to him must have had an impact on him too. So is he truly the same man you lost?

I can’t stop thinking about the poor current husband… Imagine what pain he must be in!

Alright, I had a coffee now and here is my conclusion:

I guess someone will end up getting hurt in any case, unless everyone turns into a Mormon, which is highly unlikely if tendencies were not there in the first place. As confusing as it might be in the beginning you would know what to do. Back to gut feeling, you know. You will feel it. As much as you have to consider your children and your new husband as well, it would be a decision only you can make. Personally I would try to figure out if the person who returns is still the same I lost, they same I fell in love with and the same I deeply loved. Time changes someone and depending on what he had to go through (and me too) the connection we once had might not be as strong as before or even there anymore.

No matter what I would decide, the kids would kind of win as they would find themselves having both dads in their lives.

I have to say that my head is spinning and I’m glad I’m not in a situation that seems highly unlikely. But hey, you never know, right… In any case, I would really love to hear what your take on it is, so if you don’t mind, share it with me…

 

 

 

30 thoughts on “Blue Pill Or Red Pill?”

  3. Interesting dilemma! Since it’s been years…I would have to honor my current marriage and family. Plus, myself and the kids would have to go through another kind of grieving process (a non grieving process?) where we come to terms with their father now being alive when we thought he was dead. I like to think my main concern would be helping my kids adjust to the new, crazy circumstances, but just, wow.

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  4. interesting paradox. I assume that one would have been declared to be dead which means the other spouse would be free to remarry. the second marriage would be valid in the eyes of the law in that case and one would need to obtain a divorce from the second spouse in my opinion. I think I would have to somehow let go of my surviving spouse if I were the one that had been missing.

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  6. Without a doubt, the red pill. Just as you cannot unring a bell, you cannot recapture a “might have been.” Accept reality and make whatever accommodations necessary to normalize the situation viz a viz the children and their relationship with their birth dad.

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    • Very well said. I think that you would have chosen the new partner for a reason, because of feelings you have for him and not just to fill an empty space. So it all might solve itself anyway because it might not be a question anyway.

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  7. Interesting question you pose here. I wonder about the new spouse’s feelings. Deep down, they have to know that they’re not their partner’s “true love”. With that knowledge, should they release their partner, or do they content themselves with being “runner up”? It’s a lot to think about, and I don’t know if there’s a right answer,

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  8. As I said I keep twisting and turning with each new consideration and haven’t decided yet. Although I think you may be right. In the end it’s gut feeling. I once had a difficult dilemma (not quite as hard as this one! But up there!) and I tossed and turned and sought advice and in the end you wake up one day and just know instinctively what’s right…for YOU! It’s YOUR life. Although as a mother it’d have to be what’s right for you AND the kids. I think you have to put aside what the other person is thinking because no one was born tied to the waist, (well some are, but very few!) You must live life on your own terms, because YOU have to live with the decision.

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  9. In the US we use the phrase “You can have your cake and eat it, too” and that is probably how I would look at this dilemma. Currently. the emotional well-being of my children would not be a major consideration since they are both pretty independent adults now. There were times in the pas, when I would have liked to trade my husband in for somebody else’s, especially when I saw how much the other was involved with his children then when they were young. There is another phrase that’s kind of an old joke dealing with a male’s midlife crisis when his wife reaches the age of 50. “Can I trade you in” he will say to his wife “for two twenty five year olds?” My reply is that the husband, also being aged, couldn’t handle 25 year olds! Now my 60 year old husband is having “bromances” with two of our gentlemen neighbors. These guys have bonded over mowing parts of each others’ lawns! This situation has led me to think that, if they are all friends and get along with each other, I could probably handle marriage to all three, on the assumption that they are all similar in personality and temperament and even a bit in physicality, if you know what I mean. I think, if I love those traits in my husband, I might be able to love them equally in the form of another man.

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