There’s a lot on my mind today and yet I can’t really put it in words. It’s one of those moments where you want to express yourself but simply can’t. I still don’t really know if I have processed it. I guess it’s not real. It’s just not real because I don’t “feel” the loss. It’s not part of my day to day life. Sometimes it’s a good thing, sometimes not.
I guess when you lose someone that was so important to you all of your life and you are used to seeing that person on a regular base it hits you hard. Not that it wouldn’t have hit me.
But it’s probably easier to forget that the person is actually gone when you lived the past 10 years on the opposite sides of this planet. You don’t see each other. The days go by and it’s just normal to not spend time together. And then, when that person is gone, it doesn’t change your day to day really. Because it’s not as if a part of it was removed.
On some days I’m not even aware of the fact that my Dad is no longer with us. But then it hits me and it almost feels like a little electric shock. It’s real. He is no longer here. There will no longer be moments to share, memories to be make. No more phone calls. No more hearing him whistle with the birds, no more of his giggling. I will not have the chance anymore to hug him and smell the very familiar scent of his skin or aftershave.
It comes in waves, that realization that he is gone. I still have no answers to the questions that were in my head when I wrote the following post one year ago. What I do know is, that he is up there with the stars, whistling with the wind now…
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A Momma's View 